Called into and unto the God who created, redeemed and is perfecting me

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Seminarian

I love learning. I love being academic. I love being practical. Applied academics.

Yes, its possible. They aren't so mutually exclusive.

I don't want to waste my life talking about wanting to change the world or end poverty or wave the social justice banner. I want to do it.

I want to use my brain and use my hands, not just spout rhetoric while the malnourished close their eyes for the last time in a location oblivious to the Starbucks-crazed Americans.

Seminary is where I begin this quest. Its my first step of acting in response to the call, privilege, honor and duty to grow an army of Christians to fight with weaponry of love and truth against the injustice and sin that corrupts all - from the family unit to the CEO of corporate America to Capitol Hill.

I am incredibly eager to get back in school.

I feel I can began to fulfill my purpose in the body of Christ there.

I don't want to be known for my brain, but my love. If seminary just builds my knowledge base and doesn't kindle affections for God and His people I feel as though such an endeavor would be counterproductive.

While my application list is not yet finished there are quite a few seminaries I will be applying to.

As time goes on, I mercifully get to see a little more of the plan and purpose of God for my life. For such a gift of understanding I am immensely thankful. Much of it I still do not understand and I am equally as grateful there.

If God is making me a Bible teacher and pastor I pray only for the grace to be faithful and obedient acknowledging that God is the sole provider and benefactor and I am simply a chosen partner stewarded with the Gospel message.

Praise You God!

"Command me Lord, then give me what You command" -Augustine

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Music

As Martin Luther, the great reformer, once said "music is to be praised second only to the Holy Scriptures."

Music is an outlet for the inner romance within us. Its a very effective vehicle for that romantic expression whether that be with a girl or our God or an ideal or thought. Its powerful, God-ordained and commanded in Scripture.

Here is a song that is being played a lot off of the band's myspace page:

Waking Ashland - I Am For You

Something’s very wrong here
Your heart has frozen over
And something’s very strange here
You've lost all desire

The comfort we create to prove we're something
But we're starving
Screaming in the night cause you want answers
From the one
And there is hope again

Don't give up you're not thinking
Don't give up just keep seeking (Oh yeah)
And I, I am for you
And I, I will love you
And I, I am for you
And I, I will save you

Come and take my face or forever I will walk alone
And all the same mistakes
Cause I know you, I deny you
Days go by and choices still remain forever
Right and wrong is black and white
The illusions of this world
And there is hope again

Don't give up, you're not thinking
Don't give up, just keep seeking (Oh yeah)
And I, I am for you
And I, I will love you
And I, I am for you
And I, I will save you

I send my self to you
Yes always and always
I send my love to you[x2]


And I, I am for you
And I, I will love you
And I, I am for you
And I, I will save you

You found today, found today, you found today, with your life today

A true piano rock band. Its a weird, but catchy sound. A little more emo than I typically embrace, but I can let that go.

God thank You for this gift of music.

Preparing for the future...Engaging Postmodernism

I am in a stage of preparation. I don't enjoy it naturally.

I need the grace of God to give me joy and contentment in this time.

I'm preparing to venture out as a minister of the Gospel vocationally.

God is developing all aspects of my character right now. Its intense and at times paralyzing to see the weight of my sin and the huge lack of ability I have, forcing me to trust in Him for all things in the moment and ahead.

Currently reading: The Truth War by John McArthur

I highly recommend this book!

The postmodernist view of one's inability to know truth and their certainty of there being no absolute truth is horrifying.

This explains greatly how confused and disillusioned our culture is and the depths of our focus turning evermore inward and selfish clinging to anything that will function as an anesthetic for the pain and need of fulfillment in the moment, because under there thinking, nothing is true or certain. So, if it works today -the drug, ideology, relationship, thought etc... use it, use it fast and don't count on it.

From such line of thought one can see the despairing selfishness that we are spiraling downward into.

The Bible proposes truth and truth is a a person. Jesus - John 14:6.

The Bible is not at odds with history or Reason. Almost all of Paul's claims when he preaches and writes to the new testament churches are logic driven.

This will be the task at hand I believe for the rest of my life:

Defending the faith against:

Religious pluralism
The Emergent Church Movement
Pop Culture Theology -Dr. Phil, Oprah
Fundamentalism ideals birthed out of traditionalism rather than Biblical Christianity

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


The Rabbinic Beard.
Buddies are really pushing me to go for the Leonidas look.
I say no...

Full Circle

Thankfulness is a dominant anthem in me right now

I have spent the last few days fighting migraine headaches, writing sermons to be preached at a later date, and seeing another facet of the grace and mercy of God.

If that sounds all together too cliche I invite you to remember, or if you don't know me that well, to embrace the concept, that I am wicked, a finite, sinful, fallible dude. Some of you have seen this more clearly than others. I am not immune to the temptations of lust, greed, selfishness and fear of the unknown. Yet, by the unmerited favor of God I have experienced somewhat of a revival of the spiritual senses. The desire to put to death sin. To put to death anything that is not edifying to others or rooted in directing myself in others toward genuine love and holiness. An extermination of anything that does not lend the fruit of hope of the certain Kingdom that is to come.

I am not a leaf at the mercy of a confusing wind that my faith may be found one day and lost the next due to the circumstances of the day, rather I am a child of the most High God who is faithful to Himself through His people, period. Otherwise, A) I am not a child of God or B)He is a liar. There is no evidence for either of these realities. My spirit testifies in alignment with the Word of God that I am a part of the elect and There is no legitimate, water-holding, inconsistency in God that would bring His validity into question.

A God with a flawless tract record in the Old Testament and who cowards below humanity to the level of sacrifice before triumphing over the grave in the New Testament silences the most atheistic onlookers.

For all of this I am thankful, needless to say. Even when I have a skewed view of my identity, a Lion King moment if you will, I am not lost, doomed, or condemned. God is faithful, even when I am not.

"And from his fullness We have all received grace upon grace"
- John 1:16

I am blown away that this Holy, perfect God looked at this wretched, guilty, wrong doer and was merciful enough not to kill me.

But even more so that he not only allowed me to exist, but he gave me real and eternal life through believing in His son who bore the weight of my wrong doings by dying in my place.

Still it doesn't end there. He has now called and commissioned me to declare this great act of mercy and grace to others that they might experience the same. He sends me forth as a joyous ambassador of life amidst the brokenness of this world. To declare with His authority the forgiveness of sins. The weight of salvation does not rest on me. I just get to be one along for the ride. Its the Spirit of God working to call them to the Son through me. This reality is simply breath-taking.

The God that invites the undeserving to taste in real life and fore-ordains them to be a means of spreading that life. Praise You God!

Again. humbled...thankful...overjoyed...

"You are Indescribable, You are beyond expression
And I run out of words for you, Can't think that High,
So hear my spirit groan in me,
A painful sense of urgency,
To tell you that you are to me, So High"
-Jeff Johnson, "So High"

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Going Emo...?

I have a beard now...

And I just started listening to some different music as of last night with my bud

Should I move to wako? Ha! Gotta confess I like being a hybrid of things, with the faithfulness of 1 Corinthians 9:22

Great bands:

Sherwood

We Shot The Moon

Waking Ashland

Saturday, October 11, 2008

To Reclaim Love...

Had a weird experience yesterday. Weird conversation with one of my buddies who really observed the whole Kate thing more closely than I thought.

He just kinda went into what he saw. Without me asking, he just kinda shared his perspective. Thinking about this and trying to at the same time not confront what he said... I finally folded. He was right. She was a cancer.

The reality is I loved her or love her how ever you want to look at it. I just chooses now to starve that love. Everyday I choose not to love her. I choose to go against my commitment. It feels blatantly dysfunctional, it is. There is no resolution at this point, she just justifies herself and takes responsibility only as a pr move, it is never functional.

I screwed-up by not standing my ground and following and do what I knew was right. I should have ran when she tempted me but I did not. I should have cut ties within that first month.

About 4 people, unrelated around me, they all saw the same thing. They came to me about it and it is heart breaking. Mind blowing that its not just advice.

The only reason I can explain that I did not is love. That love threatens to keep me here even now. So I must deny it. It is misplaced and it is unclaimed.

I must deny the urge to engage in serving her. Deny the desire to be beside her.

I tell misplaced, early committed love "no" to welcome in what is coming. What is already here :)

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Another thought...

A thought that God gave me through my time with Him today was profound and I want to share. This all stemmed from mediating on holiness. It is where we are at as a church in scripture, specifically in a series over 2 Timothy.

The thought:

"Holiness is the root of Happiness," without holiness happiness is unauthentic and a short-lived lie.

Being a Godly man

A thought I had today with God:

We submit to God because he is worthy of our submission. He is honorable, revered, full of love and grace. but more than simple attributes the core of who God is makes Him worthy of our submission. Not because of what he gives or does but because of who he is "God almighty." That makes Him worth submitting to not just worth it as an optional thing, but compels and even commands our submission.

Application:
Am I a guy really worthy of a lady submitting to? I mean not because of what I could do for her or provide for her or impress her....anyone with enough money and "Hitch" training can do that... but Is my person, and character someone that a God-seeking lady could look to and honestly say 'it's my joy to submit to you because of WHO you are"

That is the Biblical standard us single men have to evaluate ourselves with and I know that such a standard I can't attain without the empowerment of the Holy Spirit (Me submitting to Christ)

Help me God for me to submit to you rather than adventure out on my own. It is my sinful nature to disregard you. Help me to submit continually to you.

Help my future wife to go against her sinful nature after the fall of rebelling against me (see Gen 3:15-16) and empower her to live in submission.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Love Wins

Such a bold reality

Love really does win

We don't lose. We don't die

We have an advocate. Not that we have paid off or bribed

Not that is obligated to us.

But by his own sovereign choice has chosen us (Romans 8&9)

Before the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1)

We don't have to clean ourselves up to come to God. He extends grace. Sometimes that grace is in the form of discipline but none-the-less its a gift that restores us into intimacy with him.

Thank You for being big enough God. Thank you for the opportunity to serve, to love, to hope and not just hope blindly but take heart in faith (the assurance of things hoped for - Hebrews 11)

May I rejoice in the victory that You have secured Jesus. Love Wins Hallelujah!! death where is your sting?

Love Wins

Love Wins

Love Wins

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Reflecting On This Journal

I just finished a journal. A journal that I have had longer than most. A journal full of many things. Because of this I used the last couple of pages as a reflection page on the journal as a whole, what came out was rather humbling. God is Good. Below is the final reflective entry.

Reflections of this Journal:

This time has been varied and confusing at many points because of my sin.
I have seen Jesus and I have seen death.
I have written of love and lust.
Selfishness and sacrifice.
I have known both chaos and contentment
Joy and defeat.
I have raised my weaponry in defense and I have abandoned those weapons before the throne.
Hatred emptied into the gulf of love to never be identified again.
I have learned by experience of what it is to actually be able to echo Paul's words of being content in all things.
Its not a measure of pretty words to gauge the place of my heart and its not the performance of my actions or the success of the endeavor ventured in.

It truly is a matter of belief
A matter of faith in the unseen, the Bigger than I.
To know that I am not but that He has enabled me that I am.
No fear can fence me
No lady can limit or liberate me
For its the grace of the King that draws the peasant into His courts.
This journal has revealed more than I can share.
It has not revealed all yet.
I am still learning how the past teaches one's eye to see the beauty of the present and evoke the heart into prayer and praise for the future.
I don't know of certainty apart from God. and placed in man's ventures.
I don't believe it exists
I do however renounce the fear that lies to the Christian.
The fear that gives a small perspective of God and a large view of man's discovery of hope.
I want to instead walk in His ways
Know Him and be known by Him
To love them for He has loved me.
May the love of Jesus Christ compel me

I pray that this may be helpful to some that you can read betwen the lies of this world and push past them to the Hope of God, through the Grace of the Son, Communicated by the Holy Spirit.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Hootie Goes Country!

So I have always loved Hootie and The Blowfish....I have always loved the guys voice and the emotion they convey about such a vast variety of things in their music.

Well the front-man Darius Rucker released a solo album awhile back and I just got it today! I read he has a huge love for country music!? Well, his new album definitely has a huge country influence. Some may even classify it as country! I am so enthralled with this album. Its very, very, different than what I normally listen to.

There is a song about being at the brink of death and its really unique. It would make more sense how distinct it is if you heard it. Here are the lyrics.

Hope They Get To Me In Time
Artist: Darius Rucker

I'm eight years old
Daddy's cuttin' my hair
Aqua Velva on his hands.
Momma's in the kitchen
Got fried green tomatoes
Poppin' in the pan.
I see a home run, a goal line,
Holding my friend gettin' baptized.
I see her beautiful face under that veil
As she's walking down the aisle.

I can hear the sirens comin'
Smell the gasoline and smoke.
I'm pinned against this steering wheel
Pretty sure my arm is broke.
I can see the flames and my life
Flashing right before my eyes.
I hope they get to me in time.

I could see the headlights swerve
So I cut the wheel to the right.
Last thing I saw was that bottle turned up
As he crossed that center line.
I see tiny hands, brown eyes
Fallin' to sleep to that lullaby.
And you slide over next to me
As I turn out the lights.

I can hear the sirens comin'
Smell the gasoline and smoke.
I'm pinned against this steering wheel
Pretty sure my arm is broke.
I can see the flames and my life
Flashing right before my eyes.
I hope they get to me in time.

Please Lord, I'm beggin' you
Don't let me go like this.
There's so much left that I want to do
So much I don't want to miss.

I can see the flames and my life
Flashing right before my eyes.
I hope they get to me in time.
Just get to me in time.
Please get to me in, in time.

God help me to remember that life is a Vapor. May James' words compel me to expend everything you give me for the cause of your kingdom. To feel less weighed by the disgust of the person and events of the past in order to not jeopardize the hope and donation of today.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Choosing To "Stop Painting Pictures of the Past"

Such a great song...
Thanks God

She is such a liar deceiving so many. First and foremost herself. She takes pseudo-responsibility just to redirect the blame. She has talked herself into believing her own lie, her parents as well. She kept and lied so much. If only her dad knew the half of it.

I am thankful God is a God of justice... that I can rest in no one getting a free ride who claim to be "of the faith".

She can't be faithful even to herself. She is beginning to bleed the lie that defines her.

So humbling to be a part of such stupidity. "Let her go screw someone else up" said my mom.
"Go and put up with her crap"

So thankful for redemption. Not that just appears like Christ or that poetically re manufactures his life, but that really believes He is who he says He is and that love compels us.

The "Pictures of The Past" that I am painting are growing ever distant. I am so thankful shes has proved herself meaningless a waste of a brain and illegitimate adulterated compassion. I wonder what philosopher she chose to follow today. Anne Lamont, Buber, Malcom X, Budda, or Ghandi.

help me to choose to not dislike her when I think of her.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Defending Trinitarian Doctrine

The Following is a paper for a pre-seminary/vocational ministry preparation class that I just started at the church I attend. The pastor leads this clas and every week assigns a difficult real-world ministry situation to wrestle through an defend using only Scripture the actual text and any word study tools are the only resources allowed. (no commentaries, discussions, sermon quotes etc...) Each week we have to turn in this paper and it can only be one page to make us be concise when running into these issues with people. Also we are assigned several chapters of J.I. Packer's manifesto "Knowing God" to read and be ready to discuss.

The first ministry scenario is as follows:

You have been asked to explain the Trinity to a group of college students who are new believers. They are trying to figure out what it means when we say that God is a "trinity," where we find the teaching in Scripture and how the "Trinity" is different from polytheism. How will you teach these new believers about their God? What kind of illustrations will help you explain the Trinity to them? Remember these are new believers.

My response:

Ministry Scenario One: Explaining and Defending Trinitarian Doctrine

The “Trinity” is a Threefold expression of the single God of the Christian faith - Identified by the Hebrew name “Yahweh” which directly translated means “I am Who I Am” (Ex 3:14). In the English translation of the Old Testament Scriptures “Yahweh” is typically translated contextually as “God” or “LORD.”
The term “trinity” is not explicit mentioned in scripture, yet the meaning of that term is found throughout scripture as mentioned in this discussion. My definition for the Trinity is: ONE God manifesting himself in three distinct, yet equal persons, specifically God The Father, God The Son (Jesus Christ) and God the Holy Spirit. “One” is emphasized because Christianity is a monotheistic religion (Ex 20:3; 34:14). This on the surface may seem contradictory due to the fact that we as Christians, in accordance with the Scriptures, believe in three distinct persons that are one being. The Trinity however, is not polytheistic. Polytheistic belief systems involve “deities” that either compete with each other or have limited territories of authority, i.e. Greek Mythology’s Zeus, god of the sky and Aphrodite god of love, beauty and sex; Thor, god of thunder in Norse Paganism or more commonly the vast variety of gods in Hinduism, all of which were “gods” of certain things. The difference between the previously mentioned polytheistic beliefs and the monotheistic Christian faith is that the members of the Trinity are three distinct but interconnected persons who jointly express the complete person, character, and attributes of “Yahweh” or God (1Tim 6:13-16; Acts 4:24). Moreover, unlike many of polytheistic systems God is totally sovereign over all things and completely self-sufficient. Also, the Trinity does not compete within itself or with other “deities” such as dualism, the belief that there are essentially two equal gods in opposition with each other and we exist in the midst of their feuding.
This triune God works in orchestration with all members of the Trinity to accomplish the works and will of God such as salvation (being saved) and sanctification (the process of a believing person’s life being transformed and conformed to the teachings of the Bible). Just as one person can or may express himself in multiple ways (i.e.: a recreational hunter, who has a job as a construction worker, and serves at his church as a deacon), each member of the Trinity reveals a unique role, or a unique facet of God to man. You could think of a proverbial symphony where God the Father (seen in the Bible as Shepherd, Creator, Judge, Ps.23:1; Gen 14:19, 18:25) is the conductor, Jesus Christ (the atoning sacrifice for man’s sin, the image of the invisible God Col. 1:15; Heb 10:12) is the instruments by which the alluring music is played, and the Holy Spirit (in the Bible - Helper Jn 14:6; intercessor Rom. 8:26) being the actual music and message conveyed to the audience - us!. Yet, the Bible makes very clear that the persons of the trinity are distinct and individual not just moods or emotions or activities of God, but His very being (power, authority and purpose) manifested in three forms all equally involved the world and are not created but ever present (Gen.1:3). Each of these persons of the trinity reveals to man’s limited understanding (Is. 55:8) who God is, highlighting and conveying his attributes, character, and purpose. We can see some of the specific functions of the Trinity in Galatians 4:6 “…God (Father Grk - theos) has sent the Spirit (Grk - pneuma) of his Son (Grk - huios)…” The context here is Paul speaking to believers at Galatia about the redemptive work of Christ where he shows God The father (identified by “his”) sent a separate member of the trinity - the Spirit, which is of the son -see Jn 14:26. Here we see The Father sending the Spirit of the Son to enable believers to cry ‘Abba Father” Here the distinct but unifying functions of the trinity are expressed - we may cry out to the Father through the Spirit, because of the work of the Son.

Note:
I believe John 14:26 is the most compelling verse for the existence and function of the Trinity within the bounds of the Bible. Here You see much like the Galatians passage the Trinity being present and relating to each other as well as see the members of the Godhead accomplishing the mission of God.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

A Notable Quote

So I'm about to finish a really rocking book called "Evangelical Truth" by John Stott a very reformed Anglican that I have always heard is a very Spirit-filled theologian. They were right - This man speaks with such simple yet profoundly constructed thoughts that you find yourself reading the same page over and over, soaking in all of its contents. The book is just over 120 pgs yet it is extremely theologically weighty. One of the most engaging and enlightening reads I have partaken in in quite awhile. He is most certainly a scholar of teh scriptures. Check out this quote:

The same choice confronts all Christian communicators today. On the one hand we can we can flatter people and tell them what they want to hear, namely that they are fine people and can win salvation by their own effort. We develop what could be called a pussy-cat ministry, for we stroke them until they purr with pleasure. Or on the other hand, we can tell them the truth which they don't want to hear, about sin, guilt, judgment and the cross, and so arouse their hostility. In other words, either we are unfaithful in order to be popular, or we are willing to be unpopular in our determination to be faithful -John Stott "Evangelical Truth" pg. 83


Just mind-blowing how deep that statement cuts. Its very applicable to our cozy pulpits that give scraps to the congregation's selfish desires rather than extend the rightful invitation to feast on Christ.

Oh may we be faithful rather than popular!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Kate and Brian McLaren

So recently talking to my ex I realized how much her and Brian McLaren are alike...Not identical for sure but very similar.

The way they talk and "converse" or "post". My ex was born to be emergent. She has no personal centrality of truth, has mentioned in the past on numerous occasions how she doesn't believe in a literal hell or believe in scripture as "correctly interpreted" but sides with deconstructionism. She embraces most postmodern precepts and its reaction to modernity with little reservation. All of these things I don't agree with. Does that make me better or superior - not remotely.

My ex and I think differently. She is a rocking person and will accomplish something I believe at some point significant for the kingdom.

To her and Brian's (def not to be confused of me) credit they are very Christ like in social issues namely the poor and the oppressed. But that is the only doctrine they seem to stand on.

The controversial, offensive and definitive-truth-Christ, is absent in their paradigm. The mentality of Jesus being harsh or telling somone that they are going to hell is either omitted from their Bible or inconsequential to them. Calling them dogs, mocking them (yes, Jesus used sarcasm) would never come from the pulpit of Brian McLaren, yet Kate is a pretty clever wielder of sarcasm.

Now my ex I think would get around this by saying that Christ relates in a 'more hippy" way to her than I. Well If there is a Christian standard outside of the Bible I am jealous that she has discovered it and not I. People love to justify thinking and the judgments that they make even when they clearly contradict the Bible.

I am a liberal when it comes to love and people and conservative when it comes to the Bible and its doctrine being the final authority on faith and practice for my life.

I love to live in the tension because my God is bigger than ideologies. I see him more clearly when I stop trying to align with segmented streams of thought and read the Bible and live it for what it teaches.

I am not making an active attempt to be a rebel or seeking to conform.

That being said when those around me McLaren or my ex or Pagitt or whoever refuses to follow all or accept all of Jesus' teachings AND call themselves BIBLE BELIEVING CHRISTIANS then THEY self-label themselves heretics.

It is very difficult for me to embrace some of God's very offensive teachings in the Bible such as God hating Esau from before he was born or letting lepers die or Lazarus die, but I must accept it as truth through faith or the Bible loses credibility and we are put as believers in the midst of an argument of subjective beliefs for which we have no standard.

Thoughts on the Accuser - A Girl Oblivious To Me.

I'm confuzzled...

So my ex-girlfriend talks about how she is so "afraid of me" and that "I intimidate her." Just polling the audience of people that know me...

Have I ever been threatening to anyone?

In all of my actions and activity to the opposite sex I have never threatened or hurt anyone or anything. She wants to psychoanalyze me in hopes of finding something to hang her hat on. Come on... I really don't know her. I have 11 months to look back on with question marks. I have another female to put in the category of "may be untruthful and dangerous to anyone who gets within hearts reach"

I hate I was deceived. I wish I was more discerning.

Thank God I didn't marry her. I could only imagine what would be going on now if we were still together and I was still trusting her a s she would tell me she was going to do xyz and "just trust me"

Discernment has been a huge profitable lesson. She had the guts to call me scary and intimidating.

God would you maximize my mind in you that I would be consumed with you.

God through this conversation bitterness has begun to creep back up and I dont want it to take hold of my heart when we have battled together to forgive and forsake the past to use its knowledge to build a brighter and mightier future.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Christian Fads - Timely Truth?

As with just about any evolving or progressing mechanism where people are involved there commonly are fads, celebrities, and an assortment of hot ideas.

In the Christian community much of the church of today has greater access to national or international Christian fadish schools of thought such as the Shannon Claiborne movement, the Call to courthsip brought to the forefront by Christian couples such as the Harris' and Ludys, the "emergent" or emerging church and many others.

also many celebrities in the Christian community are much more accessible due to technological progress such as the internet and podcasting. Many of these common Christian celebrities are figures such as Andy Stanley, John piper, Mark Driscoll, Matt Chandler, Erwin McManus, Robe Bell, Brian McLaren and the list goes on and on.

Some of these men are inches away from being heretical and don't base much of their teaching on the Bible while others are extremely Orthodox and have an amazing gift of "rightly dividing" the Scriptures.

I have for a long time criticized myself and others who seem to be looking for the next great Bible teacher to catch their interest. Sometimes I find myself looking for a new guy to say something witty and innovative. Simultaneously, I feel guilty not paying attention to the Biographies and offerings of dead saints who have fought the good fight and share seemingly timeless experiences having a deep root in the scriptures.

I am coming to a point where I am starting to believe their is more of an urgency for a balance not one can be more powerful or meaningful than the other. Culture is changing and we must engage culture and "become all things to all men thatt we may win some". Also, truths are timeless and there is "nothing new under the sun" as Solomon said. Essentially the Body needs both to learn from the old and test, sift through, and listen to new godly men on the seen.

I think the new stuff is simple to "dangerous" in our minds and we are hesitant to follow for fear of being led astray, which appears to be a healthy concern. I certainly think it is.

Yet, we tend to ignore the lives and teaching of old saints and their schools of thought simply because they are well...old. and we associate old with being out of touch and therefore not apllicable to our lives, church, or culture. Such an idea is partially valid in one way but completely wrong in another.

People and things on Earth do develop and we do progress as a culture and people. Yet the issues and problems namely sin that the Bible addresses are essentially the same since the first sin was committed in the garden of eden. Therefore sin has not changed, BUT the ways in which that sin is manifested have in some regards changed therefore our engagement of culture must be timely if we are to relevantly and knowledgeably adress and reveal sin, call others including ourselves to repentance, and love people by extending them the Gospel.

Simply as Mark Driscoll said, yes I do support him, "Our doctrine and the truths we believe about God are timeless and our methods and engagement of culture is timely."

May we learn from timeless doctrine preached by tireless Bible-bleeding old saints and may we wisely embrace young Spirit-filled men to guide us in reaching or culture with timely Biblical truth for the Glory of God.

Spiritual Discomfort in the Body

This may seem strange how this and the last post contrast but oh well maybe it will make sense.

I met a Godly girl, kinda sorta asked her out (long story), and she let me know she was not interested in dating due to circumstance.

Awesome right? yeah I thought so too...

The thing that stuck with me while we had this somewhat pre-encounter dtr is that she explained why dating was "not on her radar". She essentially said since she is moving out of this area and kinda getting a real job and moving out of her comfort zone she is ready to experience God in a new way. She elaborated that her relationship with God had always been comfortable and that she felt a sense of necessity for God to challenge her with her following Him even when the journey was uncomfortable. In short, she conveyed she was looking forward to God growing her through a difficult season.

She said this and I for a moment disconnected from the phone conversation...

Immediately my heart went back to high school and the times I had asked God to grow me and stretch me through trials because my relationship too was always comfortable and easy with God

Then it happened two years ago in college where everything began to self destruct and spiritual and emotional depression set in as my world kinda collapsed.

I began to wonder if this girl really sees how difficult this time can be. I began to without thinking say things to myself like "if she only new my story" and "God please guard her faith and not let her break under the pressure, but strengthen her I don't want her to live through the failures and scares that I had to endure." Is that a healthy prayer? Not sure? but regardless your will be done Lord.

I kinda just said a silent prayer in my heart there at that gas station as she was explaining this in more detail and elaborating with excitement.

As for me. I just need to not strive for blamelessness, but BE blameless. Be a man, a man after God's heart, building His kingdom and making Him known.

Praise You Jesus
Praise You Lord
For the gift I can't afford

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Dealing with Displacement: Missional, Seasonal, Singleness

Wow the thoughts and revelations that are shooting across my brain. Neurotransmitters working incessantly.

So I'm nearly 24 and I'm a single guy. No prospects, no "I would if...", Nope, nothing.

Right now its just me and my cat Zoe.

Now to give a little context for these thoughts that I'm about to unload you must know a few things about me.

First, I live in a sizeable college town, where there are young men and women socializing everywhere.

Secondly, I have wondered if God has just forgotten about this single guy, condemned me to singleness or worse yet, to walk with a woman that I love and care about her significantly more than she loves me. This has always been a battle for me because I feel very "normal" and wired for marriage yet circumstances seem to debilitate the fairy tale.

With the above understanding let us wade into my current thoughts. Being in this town for 5 years I have seen a common theme with the people I meet. Probably 98% of these individuals are what I would like to call "transitionary friends." Meaning that these young people that I have walked through college with or their young career stage is by definition a formative and transitionary period in their life. It is not a time of settling down, laying root to an area and committing an on-going donation of their life and labor to the College Station community. Typically our friendship is just as transitionary or seasonal as their education or young career formation. So that person male or female maybe a semi-close to close friend for about a year until they move on to the next step of life i.e. graduation, marriage, career, etc...

This is totally normal and healthy. People are young and college ageish, complete school, get good jobs, met someone, marry them and move off with them.

The 2% or so that don't and our friendships actively remain are generally those people that usually fall into one of the following categories or most likely all of them. They graduate and have no clear job direction or prospects, are still single, love hanging around with the college kids for selfish or selfless reasons, or get jobs in this area.

An exception to this is extremely dear friends that move off get married etc and yet we still remain close. These types of people possess great love for me and are truly a blessing and are a part of a bond only God could create. AKA - Mark Morris, Taylor, Jesse.

Well, I fall into that 2% category as you can already figure out. More specifically I yearn for community for a dear friend to walk with long after all of my college friends have been married or taken jobs elsewhere or both. I want someone to share my life with, the little things, the insignificant or foolish moments and the intimate and intense moments. This is not really the kind of need a dude can meet therefore, in short, I need a wife.

Its a neat thing God has shown me about my manhood and how I am created. It is also extremely encouraging and I hope that it encourages others. I was not made to live the rest of my life with people, guy or girl, blowing into and out of my life like the wind. I was made for community and the most intimate level of that community is family.

You may ask..."Why is that encouraging if you don't have a wife or family right now and are stuck at home by yourself with your cat?" Well, thats a great question. One reason is the Godly, and functional longing for that kind of intimate community is affirmed with scripture that I was not made to be alone and therefore gives me hope that one day in God's timing he will fulfill that longing my desires will be fulfilled by His grace. Basically, it reminds me that it is healthy to long for a wife and family and should raise a red flag and other inquires if that longing wasn't there.

If I was comfortable with getting close to people and then having them leave me and move on in life and i just was comfortable remaining in the same stage of life that would be valid cause for alarm. It also could be an indication to examine my life and see if I was made for singleness as a so to speak career move. Nope not digging it. Thanks God.

Also, it makes me utterly dependent on God to satisfy these desires of wanting to have this type of intimate family relationship while he with holds this from me.

Another thing that comes out of this is a sense of overwhelming healthy, Godly, anticipation of how "things" (meeting a lady, courting or dating her, etc..) are going to play out. Its sort of like being one or two people back in line for the best new intimidating roller coaster at a large theme park.

Back to reality =)

So I am still single at the end of writing this. That doesn't mean that I sit on my duff and wait for God to drop her out of the air it also doesn't mean that I go and load my quiver with Cupid's arrows then frequent every estrogen rich environment in town either.

No, I live and learn and press into God, with my eyes fixed firmly on Him, praying over these desires being sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. What does that look like practically? Doesn't that sound over-spiritualized? Lets be careful to not do that. What I mean is simply this. Be an active part of God's community, the church. Love those in the church, love those outside the church, love those in other local bodies, of every gender and age, but don't get caught up in socializing and let that become and idol. Remain on mission for the things of God and then she, or he will appear. Not out of thin air, like some ridiculous "hocus, pocus," or scales will fall from your eyes like Saul, but the Lord is sovereign over our hearts and our affections and He will incline them in accordance with his will. You typically see God pair people as they are serving Him. This is not a great shocker because a family as Paul gets at in 1 Corinthians is a ministry.

This time is bittersweet. Displacement -yearning for more than the status quo of singleness and yet sweet because of the keeping and assurance of the Lord's promises and revelation. Don't be a bear my friends. Don't hibernate through the winter season of singleness, but venture out on the snowy valley and gaze up unto God's majestic mountain peaks above. May this began to melt away the bitterness and displacement upon the heart and warm it with joy and gratitude for the faithful mountain-maker.

Side note: Be careful about idolizing the Eric Ludy, Josh Harris, stupid courtship philosophy. A lot of that stuff is overspiritualized. I have had to combat that a lot lately. Its not that its bad or sinful it is just not superiorly wise or has some form of inherit righteousness if you follow everyone of their suggestions. Such a method does not universally apply to the body of Christ or it would be laid out in scripture. their dating/courtship methods are BASED on scripture but extrapolated into a dating philosophy so don't get legalistic and tied down if such a method doesn't work for you.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Romanticizing Africa

A thought I had today as I was therapy walking in the park. I have to write it down. It was almost as clear as an audible from God.

"I don't have a right to go and die in Africa, until I am willing to die and be humiliated openly here in America. It seems that to run off to Africa or China and die for the cause of Christ is more than a Martyr complex and its more than being foolish, its extremely cowardly. Christ was scorned and rejected, openly humiliated and beaten by His own people the Jews. I hope I remember that. Lately the hardest thing for me to do is to call people out in my own body. To deal with the hypocrisy around me and in my own life. That kinda stuff is really humiliating and foundational to the Christ-exalting missional mindest."

"Don't woos out, thats the ultimate sell out, be a man"

It is truly a time to be bold. I love Living Hope and there is a lot of authenticity in this body but there is a ton of religiosity I'm seeing. I know when I get pressed on it or confront it I'm gonna take some flack. It will probably be sorrowful, but I have to die to that scorn for the sake of holiness and truth among the body.

I really hope we get away from this actions and attitude like we have it all together. Religion sells but their is no warranty. Praise You Jesus for being the foundational rock.

Sound Bites from the Battlefield

I spent the evening yesterday with the Living hope off shoot church start beginning in Bryan. After a time of hanging out and eating we entered into a time of prayer.

One woman as we were praying mentioned God you have shown me these hard things that you are asking me to sacrifice (paraphrase) "please give me joy to do what you ask me to" I thought that was breath-takingly authentic as she wept extensively over her situation.

God would joy of who you are accompany us through the valley of the shadow of death. May we fear no evil, may we find sparks of hope. May the breeze of the Spirit carry away the stale air.

As Cornelius prayed in Mark "Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief"

May we taste and see how good you are, may we in a very real and practical way find joy in you as we attempt to be disciplined and follow you. God enable us with your spirit

Monday, July 21, 2008

"You don't exude joy like you use to"

If you have read the title of this entry (I'm assuming you have) maybe you can understand where I am going with this.

The other day I reconnected with a guy that has been out of my life for probably close to 5 or 6 years. He ironically goes to the same church that i do and we re-met there. We began to catchup and to talk about our lives, talk about where we have been, what God is up to with us and kinda who we are now. I began to catch him up on me and he just kinda stopped me in mid sentence and said "you don't exude joy like you use to". It was all I could do to keep myself from crying. I have never been cut so deeply by words. It wasn't due to a girl or a circumstance or anything else but an observation of a dear friend. All I could say is "you're right". Part of it was pride and part embarrassment and part just sadness, lamenting of how beautiful and joyful of a follower of Christ I was. Now I'm just a seemingly washed up guy that will forever be a second-rate Christian. (I know that is not a clear picture of how Christ views me and my true identity, but it is how I feel)

I never dreamed words could really hurt that much and have such an ongoing hurtful effect. It was one of the most depressing moments of my life. Oh the irony. I have been cheated on, manipulated, laughed at, humiliated, embarrassed, may things but pointing out that I exuded the joy of Christ almost without effort because I was so intertwined with him and now I don't words can not express how displacing and alienating that makes me feel.

God I want you, God I want to be like you, love you and possess the joy of my salvation. Make it alive and new, make it fresh and pure. Glory to you king Jesus. May I once again follow you so closely so intimately that my identity is lost in you. My person is indistinguishable from the character of Christ. Beautiful One only you can make this possible. I repent of my sinful, selfish wondering, I repent of going to Tarshish and following myslef rather than the tough by blessed path you have for me. Restore me Jesus. Redeem me to yourself. Thank You Jesus

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Resuscitation

"Do Not Resuscitate"
The pale chest read
A lifeless fate
Already chosen

So is this the way we play our cards
Is this the brightest of the stars
To fold the hand that we've been dealt
To call the game before its over

Fatigue with your fear
I choose to cuddle hope
If she dies in my arms
I will not let her die alone

So give and taste the dirt I was made of
The sin I was marred by
The blood sprinkled over the mercy seat
And the Spirit active in me

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Killing The Contradiction

Swallowed in an empty glass
tried to jump but i ran too fast
singing with my eyes wide open
In a thunderstorm that's too softly spoken

Let it go
Loosen your grip
killing the contradiction
just smothered the life inside

resuscitate while facing fate
Quickly hes turning blue
Falling deeper in love with you

corralling the contradiction
Trades chaos for complacency

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Needham does it again!

So I just found out via Josh that Jimmy Needham, the little College Station worship leader guy is releasing his second all new full length album with Inpop records! The three songs up on his myspace are great and very different. "A Breath or Two" is probably my favorite of the three.

I love music, and a wide variety of music. There are definitely things I don't care for much but I really need to be listening to different things to keep my mind fresh and stimulated! His music is very soothing but still fun.

The Album "Not Without Love" comes out August 19, 2008

Check Him Out!!!

Jimmy Needham "Not Without Love"

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Me In Words

Deep, Passionate, Firm , Selfish, Loving, Gentle, Humble, Giving, Warm, Funny, Quiet, Extroverted, Spastic, People-centered, Calvinistic, Hedonistic, Naive, Joyous, Goofy, Smart, Analytical, Adventurous, Industrious, Pragmatic, Practical, Driven, Motivated, Kind, Serious, Together, Loyal, Committed, Biblical, Rude, Tender, Small, Faithful, Short, Diverse, Techy, Boring, Amusing, Country, Shallow, Mature, Bitter, Callous, Forgiving, Redeemed, Redemptive, Successful, Sinner, Capable, Listener, Encourager, Wordsmith, Poet, Team Member, Lover, Hunter, Outdoors man, Lifeguard, Sports Enthusiast, Baseball Player, Football Player, Collector, Entrepreneur, Leader, Follower, Small Town, Teacher, Disciple, Employee, Volunteer, Minister, Student, Head lifeguard, Aquatics Technician, Driver, Patient, Son, Brother, Victim, Abuser, Liar, Dedicated, Docile, Realist, Dreamer, Wild, Tender, Cute, Handsome, Ugly, Uninviting, Corrupt, Pure, Holy, Chosen, Justified, Dead, Careful, Reckless, Energetic, Despised, Jealous, Selfless, Hopeful, Contributor, Critic, Cynic, Movie Buff, Actor, Award Winner, Competitor, Artist, Self Educator, Counselor, Summer Staffer, Landscaper, Consumer, Seller, Missionary, Cowboy, Protestant, Christian, Human, Kid, Designer, Visionary, Needy, Complete, Incomplete, Mountain Climber, Snow Skier, Water Skier, Swimmer, Handyman, DIY, Student Leader, Conversationalist, Shooter, Justice Fighter.

Defining, Refining, Redefining

Today was an interesting day. Reading through the book "Vintage Jesus" by Mark Driscoll has been an exceptional treat just to remind myself of God's timeless truths.

I am living no longer in decay or want. This is somewhat difficult to actualize seeing is I don't have a community at the moment here at A&M but God still is here. I may not feel that or for that matter really "experience it", but that nonetheless negates scripture. Its somehow exhausting and refilling to run and function on nothing but faith and that in itself is an experience that I haven't had in awhile.

I trust you and believe you God and you have essentially given me no reason or rationale to. I'm not going to test drive this faith thing but finally marry her. I really want to be your bride. Yet another renaissance. Yet another chance for growth and flowering that will challenge and make beautiful this mess of me.

Today I think it starts with semi-divorcing the past. Not living or dwelling there. analyzing and learning from those events and sovereign happenstances, the sin, the victories and then journeying on in as humanly complete of a divorce as possible. Will my past effect/affect me in the future - yes. Will it dictate my future - NO! I follow the way of the cross the way of death, pain, persecution and the broken sin of humanity. Yet on the other side of that cross is a resurrection and life that can only be described as supernatural, and beyond me. Redemption has a face and the face is unseen, intangible, but not completely obscure. Its the scarred face of Jesus. Time brings that necessary clarity, ushered in by prayer and helplessness even purposeful despair. Yes there is pain involved between the path of the cross and the time of resurrection. Its unbearable. Its a life unattainable without sovereign grace and mercy. An unjust love that justifies the blackened soul of my person.

I am Thankful

I am Helpless

Yet I am being made Holy

May the path of the cross not yield a martyrdom complex, but a bigger view of God that makes me humbly grateful.

Muted Heart

Regret before the words are formed

Then thrown and the flesh is torn

Screams muted with confusion leaves

Hope wrapped in the fog of life

Looking for glory’s amber glow

One thirsts for heat and light

Journeying for such satisfying radiance

The quest embraced without complaint

Lord pickup the heart when it’s faint

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Fire-Power On The Fourth - God and I have a sidebar dialogue

Fun night I guess...

Of course I am the oldest by a couple of years hanging out with basically a bunch of members of one local church most college students, some high school.

The church kind resembled a cult to me tonight. It was a nice cult though. "here , this is what we do and this is what we don't do- oh and by the way God loves you and so do we"

If Christianity is a cult it sure is nice and teaches hospitality, maybe not tolerance but definitely surface level hospitality.

We popped lots of fireworks tonight, We shot some skeet. I did the best at shooting I might add of all participating (11 out of 12 I hit) all with my new gun - I love it!

I began to realize how much I have grown this past year or so by observing the young people and how different I am from them tonight. Through my perspective on life, on relationships and honestly most of all God's kingdom I have developed and progressed. Kate is wiser than she sees and has been a huge part of that.

I began to look around at the holy huddle I was hanging out with. This church in town is known for kind of being the high and mighty theologically perfect one. Very Calvinistic, very programmed, structured, and involved. In my humble opinion they are very focused on themselves and their membership within rather than the rest of the community which I guess is okay because they seem to really seek authentic community sadly its just amongst themselves - act almost leery of outsiders which is a whole nother sermon.

I found myself tonight looking at all of these cool young Christians and thinking to myself "I may not look the holiest in the room but much to popular opinion and what many well meaning churches preach I care much less about presenting myself as holy in social groups, church functions or Sunday service and communicating that I hold beliefs that are "true" and "right" than I am concerned with actually being internally holy. It was kind of a cool quiet God moment I had that obviously I couldn't share.

I really want to have holy pure friendships. I really want to be a life-giving breath of fresh air for someone else if the Spirit will choose to use me like that. I just want to be simply authentic. I want to be small and very big. I want to be the contradiction that cancels me out and puts Jesus front and center, even if I feel like at times-even now that Jesus doesn't like me very much and abandons me.

Theres just something that makes me love Jesus, sometimes in fickle spurts, maybe its the head knowledge that I know he is good and that he has demonstrated that in the past.

Another way to say this is that If my life stinks and I cant figure myself or my circumstances out I at least want to help work things out for someone else around me in hopes that they don't have to experience what I'm experiencing. Kinda sounds like I would make a good dad or a shepherd. Thats scary.

Sometimes I hate that I'm this selfless and get frustrated at others success. But motivating others and helping them find hope and life in Christ in their bleak moments is better than me not doing anything, wallering in my circumstance, and neither one of use finding any hope or success.

I like that Kate and I have such an open dialogue. I was really worried she would shut me out or that it may hurt to much for me to have that dialogue open on my end. God has been really merciful and I see unexpected joy often when we talk or text message. Thank You God. I know you are real and I know you are here, would you keep helping me and Kate with that? Thanks, I am taking your silence as a yes.

I look forward to the days when Kate and I can read and discuss books together or talk about our travels and education experiences.

I know when we first met we didn't really think as much alike as I thought we did. I guess that became evident in our relationship. I don't know if she just influenced me or I just influenced her, probably a combination of the two. Anyway I think we think at least somewhat similarly now and I like it. Its neat and something we share, almost as if God is winking at our history with a big grin on his face.

God I know I haven't figured out much still in my life, or you haven't shown or defined much yet and what I'm doing but thanks for not heaping anymore chaos and confusion on my plate for this last week or so and giving me some peace in the middle of this weird limbo season.

Its nice going to bed choosing this night to believe things are going to be okay.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Necessary Authentic Forgiveness

I have been really fighting back these alternating emotions of somewhat missing Kate and being really anger and bitter with her decisions. Particularly with what I found out a couple of days ago seemed to be the final thing that destroyed her creditability and lent itself for me to have more of a reason to be angry, bitter, and cold toward her.

Such behavior on my part can't go on and is not acceptable. I wasn't mad until I found out the info I did a couple of days ago but that victory has come up short when I got so angry and was filled with bitterness.

I know her well enough to know how she is handling this what she is doing and with who. There is no reason for me to go on being mad or cold or angry. I shouldn't dwell on this either and meditate on the trust issues this presents between me and those involved in my personal life or a potential spouse. Thinking about or trying to get all of this behind me right now is not the most healthy thing to wade into.

So I'm just going to work on a couple of things right now. First, I don't want to love a dead relationship for a year and waste this next 12 months mourning a desire that can not be satisfied. So the first thing I am doing is accepting the way things are and almost certainly the way things will always be for Kate and I. We are two people who don't see God or people or life the same and it appears to be the best for her to go on with her dreams and I to re-piece together mine.

The second thing is to Forgive Her not out of a sense of obligation or as a skillfully played noble move but because there has to be good in her somewhere. I have seen good in her and she must be amazing for someone that meets her needs to her satisfaction. I forgive her. I forgive her for hurting me by using my failures of my behavior in the past to her personal gain and advantage in our relationship. I forgive her for being so inconsistent throughout our relationship by writing beautiful letters one day to being cold and distant and moody the next. I myself behaved in a similar way on occasion. We are humans and fail. Not only do I want to forgive her for what she did but I want to apologize for getting mad and becoming cold and bitter that is not the least bit healthy for her or myself.

These are the steps I'm taking right now to let things settle and finally be laid to rest peacefully between us. It is sad at times and I don't know how I feel at others. I just pray this roller coaster slowly begins to make more sense. I again Apologize to you and Forgive you Kate.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Time Flies

Its funny how rumination and time changes things. Just 36 hrs ago I thought Kate would come to her senses, let me support her, be understanding of where I am at as I was clearly trying to be understanding of where she was at yet not leave issues unresolved.

24 Hrs later after thinking, discussing, rethinking, I chose to no longer sacrifice myself for someone so insensitive and uncertain of what she wants. I thought yesterday about all of the things I did for her and all of the energy and effort I put forth. I know you romantics may lump me in the category of being selfish or a jerk myself. If you knew as Kate does of everything I have done and overcome to express devotion and respect to her, to pursue her and champion her as a man then no one has the right to call me selfish or a jerk.

I really love people, I love doing things for people but I don't like my effort being neglected or being taken advantage of.

When that threshold is crossed I have a hard time finding sympathy or empathizing with someone in any situation. I don't neglect, much to Kate's concern of me overlooking her needs I never did. I may have not communicated that well but rarely (during time when I was tired and stressed) did I not consider her emotions first before my own.

Brittani 2.0

I'm a stubborn guy and from the previous posts you can tell I still care about Kate much to many people's dislike. I do care about her and I am trying more so every moment to put her farther behind me. To love her from a distance that will likely never shorten but only grow.

The gravity of her choice, her "meltdown", keeps hitting me hard. She says she is doing this for her mental health and that I am being selfish and a jerk by inquiring into this. Well hello that's what happens when you are in a relationship for 11 months. You care and don't turn it off like a faucet.

If she is having such a hard time why doesn't she allow me to support her, offer emotional care a listening ear etc... Rather than even acknowledge my concern she isolates me. Says " I'm not obligated to you" after I commented about you don't treat people this way that care about you. I gave my final plea tonight to try and make sense of this.

Sound familiar? Yep its the little selfish girl syndrome Brittani version 2. "I can't handle this so rather than voicing my concern like a mature person I am simply going to cut all strings, make it extremely dramatic with making it a matter of my mental health (can you believe she had the nerve to call ME dramatic tonight?) and then go off and have fun with my friends. Isn't that what Brittani did? Go and recoup with her friends? I kinda wished I would have been more apathetic to Kate. More like the attitude of "Well whatever happens happens" instead of the attitude I held of her being so dear and such a fine catch. It would be different if she warned me hey I'm really struggling, I need some help, I feel like I'm going to break etc... She sells me this story that she had a breakdown during her party weekend and saw the light of the choice she should have always made. Can't you just hear the Orchestra playing in the background?

I told her tonight that I have really cared about it but her wanting me to just sit here making conversation with all of these questions for a month while she gallivants off with her friends all over the place is unfair and mean at best.

If she is self-seeking enough to treat me like I am an expendable item and I only have value when she wants me to she doesn't deserve me, I am not her play toy or her handy man. I am all or nothing.

Two things:

This takes a big black marker and scribbles through every I love you she ever said to me and every evidence of wanting me to support her and love her because now she has rejected my support and more so show evidence that she is not someone safe to be in a relationship with because she is "not obligated" and refuses "commitment". She needs some emo guy with an enduring prescription of prozac.

The other thing is that she doesn't now take responsibility for being so selfish. Shes accountable for her actions and I know she thinks that this will all blow over and I will turn around and come after her. Well, let Amor Fati be because you have bought your own fate by how you responded to your stressful situation. I am not a lifeboat for a sinking ship. Yes sinking is a choice too. Life is a choice and you choose to LIVE alone without a guy that cares about you. In the words of my dad two nights ago "the heck with her, you go on about your business."

I'm not cold, I'm not bitter. I just have a very clear perspective finally on who I am as a child of God and my worth and how Kate and I are veering on very different paths. I hope she gets clarity to. Step out in the light of freedom. I still care about her but know after tonight that sadly as I feared in the previous post need to start putting that to death.

Kate once asked me if we broke up how long would I still have feelings for her, I said a year tops. I am hoping to narrow that down to a month to 3 months. I need to move on. I'm still young. I want to have a beautiful story and I want to be the kind of man that kids and my spouse are proud of. It starts now by putting horrors and pain behind me learning and developing my person (going back to school) working with different ministries and getting into things that God has made evident he is into (God is on the Move) and enjoy the company of the people along the way that are doing the same.

Goodbye Kate, You are now on the shelf of memories with Brittani in my heart and will slowly seep into my bloodstream less and less as time goes on. Thank You God that Brittani has completely deteriorated.

I hope something changes fast. I pray desperately that I am missing something and Kate has some true explanation for her behavior, but I fear its a sign that and future relationship possibility is terminal and at best on a short leash. I wish I would have never seen this side of Kate and that we could have parted ways on better terms. I will have to guard my self in being logical about this and fight back the tendency to be bitter or degrading.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Things Missed

I obviously was really looking forward to going to the lake with Kate. I really want her to be there at the end of July when I get to lead the youth retreat. I really hope to hear from her on my birthday. Several words or phrases I caught myself saying today that were things just between us like - "dosin" "thats right" and "lept". I miss her. This hurts. It makes the other things like a job or money or education seem very small when you lose someone you care about.

Confronting the Self

As I spent the day today reflecting on what little I know of that Kate is experiencing right now and our past relationship, lots of things began to stick. Things began to continue to pop up that offered a hint of understanding. Many times it was just words like "burn out" or "sinking" or "freedom". I learned a lot today about me and confronted the deepest parts of who I am at my core and realized that I am not a terrible or rotten guy and I do sincerely and selflessly care about Kate. Its not the fair weather love that is really selfishness and lust cloaked in flowery language. I empathize with her pain of this being hard because it is for me and has been before. I want to understand more.

I say most of my day was spent reflecting, that's only half right -a lot of it was spent with friends in town over the summer. One of these guys asked about my relationship status and I began to vaguely explain things that had happened in very generic terms and confessing that I don't understand it all myself. Something very strange came up as I began to explain the emotion and feelings on my end of all of this. (I wouldn't dare to try and explain Kate's feelings because that's speaking out of turn of me especially to someone else). The feeling that I didn't realize I was feeling was guilt. Throughout the day I had began to feel freedom and no not freedom in the sense like "great I'm done with Kate and can move on" - no not that at all but a feeling of this is all bigger than me and my choices. It involves Kate's choices and the circumstances that God himself is supreme over. That for the first time today was not scary but very freeing and I briefly mentioned that to Kate. Yet this feeling of guilt as present. I began to explain that I feel so guilty and a little fearful that maybe I made Kate empty, maybe I did something to suck the life out of her and our relationship. That is an absolutely sickening feeling to me that I could depress or overwhelm someone. Kate if you are reading this and I did do something or a series of things to cause this I am so incredibly sorry. I understand this may just be circumstantial and that's OK and understandable but whatever part I played I am sorry. My intentions were just the opposite and I constantly have asked my self earlier tonight how I could have changed things to be more life-giving. I'm sure I could have been more disciplined in the things I shared and more specifically the timing of sharing to not flare unnecessary concern or emotion by either of us.

Today was specifically sad as I was at wal-mart with Josh getting items to take on his Africa trip and I saw the new Cold Play CD "Viva La Vida" I was looking forward to buying that for Kate, putting it under her windshield wiper blade with a sweet note for when she would come out to her car to go to work and start her day off with a sweet surprise. I kinda teared up and had to recollect myself. I also thought about my big surprise that I was going to have delivered to Talitha Koum before Kate left. A big Bouquet of flowers in a nice vase and on the card it would just simply say "Chosen". I also had planned on getting Kate the entire Friends Boxed set when I finally did get a "real" job. These are all things earmarked for my first paycheck.

I really hoped that Kate would get to see how devoted I was to her and that my overwhelmed behavior was not because of her but just because of these circumstances and the displacement in life. Regardless whether or not Kate speaks to me again or explains anything I just want her to clearly understand that she is not defective or a hazard to me but a someone who still is precious and dear to me. Seasons will change and I will be able to support myself and her - emotionally, physically and financially. God has breathed a lot of hope into me today. I have been really raw and vulnerable and the discomfort has been very worth it.

I still remember Kate and I's conversation on the bleachers of the gym at Carson Newman. I wanted to date her so bad. I wanted to champion her like a real man and prove myself. That desire is unmistakably still there, I hope it doesn't fade. As of now Kate is not safe, she has to figure things out and I am forced to move on. I hope I don't have to kill that desire to date her and love her. I hope at one point I can discuss and maybe act on it again. But that's where freedom lies -that God is going to sort this very complicated and sticky thing out because he is not cruel and hurtful but gracious and acquainted with our sorrow.

Godspeed Kate

Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Exit

Everyone Leaves. Its just a fact of life. Friends move on, love interests no longer are interested and then the exit comes. The Blackout happens and the show adjourns until someone is naive enough to pay for another performance of the same thing. I can feel myself getting very cold now. I think I am grasping to remain human. The cynicism is slowly creeping into my veins.

Kate left. She decided to not go to the lake because "its not going to work" and "I(speaking of me) have to much conflict in my life" what a wonderful epitaph on a tombstone. I had been looking forward to the lake for over a month - since my parents first confirmed the trip. The trip was suppose to be a relaxing vacation with Kate. Thats why I was looking forward to it. Not for me specifically but more so for us. Now there is no us and I'm going to choose to forget she ever existed. I don't know her. The Kate I thought I knew wouldn't just one day up and decide to go over conflict after a party weekend in Austin. Shes unsafe and just like all unsafe things I am slowly weeding them out of my life I don't need anymore disappointments. This is uncontrollably hard for me to say and the last thing I need in my life right now but - Goodbye Kate.

Friday, June 6, 2008

The Sting of the Impossible

This is extremely hard to explain. I apologize in advance for my vague rambling here. This is related to a previous post criticizing my critics.

No one can possibly begin to understand what happened, what was going through my mind, what my motivations were, and how I felt a little over a month ago. The people that may have the closest idea to what this was like other than myself would probably be my Mom and Dad because I was in closest contact with them of all people at the time. Clearly next would be Kate. All of this is very relative in terms of understanding because I don't understand all of what I was thinking myself and it at times was very conflicting specifically internally.

This is where and why everything revolving around people on the outside gets very frustrating and depressing. People such as Kate's family or Kate's friends or my Uncle all have very limited knowledge and understanding of the situation because their sources - Myself, My family, or Kate have limited understanding of the situation. The most frustrating thing is to try and communicate myself, emotions feelings, motives, interpretations, environmental responses and factors during this time of meltdown and destruction. It truly is impossible to put myself inside someone else and them understand and think they humanly have a chance to know in full.

Now specifically it is frustrating, maddening, and causes a sting of despair when someone looks at the externals of the situation, comments on them, has limited knowledge at best of the situation or of me. I understand that it is certainly easier to write someone off as a psycho, abuser, jerk, (insert your own negative characterization of me) than to put forth great effort to try and understand someone else and make sense of a situation I frankly don't understand but in part so how can anyone else claim to classify or diagnose me?

I really just feel two emotions now when I hear someone negatively characterize me or refer to me negatively based on their info from someone, most commonly Kate, regarding the past series of events. Emotion 1 is anger and frustration with that individual who has no right to make a judgement on my character for nearly 24 years of existence. Emotion 2 is utter despair that everything that is or could possibly be redemptive is lost under the weight of my bad decisions/circumstantial issues surrounding truly the lowest point in my entire life and makes every waking moment in this state extremely performance based. It is with this emotion that I never want to speak to these people who have rendered judgement and at the most extreme moments I want to silently leave the entire situation and relationship behind, move to another area where no one knows about any of this and start over.

These are things that constantly replay in my head. I really do want and believe in complete and full redemption. I am just aware that forgiveness and redemption in these situations - true healing or moving past this is not contingent upon me. It would be nice for me to be hyper-macho and claim that if I do and say all of the right things everything will get better and we will skip off into the sunset. I am not that naive. I realize that many of these people may or may not forgive me. This scares me because I know myself. If they don't forgive me or give me some freedom I will get defensive further reinforcing their belief plus my defensiveness or anger if it goes that far will end Kate and I, for she can't handle my emotional reaction.

So here are my options as I see them. 1)Hope people will begin to forgive me as I interact with them that have these opinions of me and try to give them reason to forgive me. 2) Defend myself and put these people in their place (not the best option) 3) Cut these people strategically out of my life and therefore out of Kate and I's potential relationship by allowing them to think what they want and not entertain their judgment. 4) Cut and run from these people, this relationship, and start over anonymously somewhere else.

The thing is no one really has any right to make a judgment of who I am and who I am, only I best understand that and have to live with that reality. This all being said I am extremely thankful for Kate's support of me and her defense of her actions. It is empowering to think of someone that admittedly doesn't understand every bit of what happened but believes in redemption and hope enough to still be in the picture. She is empowering to me and I will enjoy every minute of our time together. I am not worried about us as a couple I think we have transcended that and have entered into a kind of friendship and general liking of each other that is past the namby pamby "I want to get married and I want a white picket fence" mentality.

I am trying to re-analyze my views on all of this as I have the mental and emotional strength to. Its surprisingly taxing to live with myself. This sentence I somewhat handed myself so I will take and carry the share of the responsibility I am due.

God i really need you now I don't want to go to sleep in despair or look to the future in despair and frustration with these people.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Poverty vs. Wealth

I have a problem with anyone being monetarily rich WHILE poverty remains. We must all be globally sufficient and secure or continue to fight poverty with our individually accumulated wealth. I don't take joy in the fact that I am giving all of my money away. I do take joy in the fact that I am part of a process to make all of us wealthy and global poverty a term in history books of generations past. The only reservation to this activity is the possibility of creating monetary idols for those that are secured and ransomed from poverty that is why the Gospel of Christ must be present so that those looking for life in the midst of their weak or strong economic state may find it.

I know that sounded somewhat Ronald Siderish but I think it is an essential mentality for a Christian seeking to be about the things of God to seek to rid the world of poverty and meet all available needs.

Democracy in Black-Face - The End or Just the Beginning?

I have tears slowly forming in my eyes as I start to write this, for today is a truly a landmark in terms of American humanity.

To begin I must set the stage for us in terms of where we were, and as well as where we are now. As most of you know politics and race have always been a rather polarizing and at best a mere charged issue. More realistically it has been an issue written in history books with blood and violence. A kind of fierce aggression that is unique in nature as being simultaneously passive-aggressive and openly confrontational.

Moments of the Past...

The Civil War; The Jim Crow laws; Harriet Tubman; Rosa Parks; General Colin Powell; The Emancipation Proclamation; Malcom X; Martin Luther King Jr.; The Civil Rights Act of 1964 (the right to vote and banned discrimination in public facilities); Voting Rights Act of 1965 (sent federal commisioners to South to register blacks and demanded for the government to suspend literacy tests); Thurgood Marshall (first supreme court justice in 1967);
and more... (http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_22_100/ai_80162969)

The above are just a smattering of moments in history where race and politics collided. What kinds of emotions are evoked when you read the different phrases, names or issues. Many times these encounters were violent and caused great national unrest. Many times these two factors threaten to invalidate the sovereignty of the US such as the seceding of southern states in the Civil War. These past historical events are integral in understanding the importance and powerful precipitous that American dangles from now.

Present political race relations...

Tonight for the first time in history a Black American, Barack Obama, has clinched the first ever nomination for president of a major political party as a Black American. In an astounding and unexpected triumph by even the most optimistic of his supporters Senator Obama surpassed the 2118 delegat mark need to secure the democratic nomination for president and left his white competitor without the possibility of doing the same.

Not only is this a great social triumph for the black community but it is an even greater political victory for race relations in America. This man has proved at least one thing for minorities. He has proved that progress is being made and has been made. In 1964 when President Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act that made it possible for blacks to vote, I doubt very many people ever thought of their new ability or rights to afford them one day to not only vote but vote for a black man. A black man that is skilled in public policy, a black man that is not native to America by birthright, A black man that doesn't resent the white man but applauds him (John McCain). The events of tonight don't carry the message that blacks can be president of the US, while many optimists and pundits will say that on TV, I'm sorry but we aren't there yet. Tonight does definitively guarantee an African American individual that he or she can no longer be viewed as an anomaly in politics. The most compelling statement that I believe epitomizes that was mentioned by a CNN contributor tonight. "This is the final nail in the coffin of the 'separate but equal' of the Jim Crow Laws". Meaning that the Jim Crow laws politically were a mockery to assuage the concerns of black Americans who justifiably felt discriminated against. They segregated blacks and whites and then gave the blacks the status of "equal" with whites (how cold and disingenuous), which history accounts was never really accurate.

Now it is shown by Obama's nomination that blacks can compete with whites for the highest public office in the land and are truly equal in competition and their race does not separate them. Its amazing that American finally has further humanized the black American in American politics. It appears that we are starting to take the black-face off of American democracy. Democracy is beginning to be defined in practice as it claims to be by ideological definition.

Not Yet!?

While many are celebrating and enjoying this time in American history, especially Black democrats, it appears to me this period of celebration may come to a quick and sombering end. For the first time in history a powerful, older, Republican white man will face-off with a young, energetic and optimistic Democratic black man. My thought in this is that between now and November we may experience the most racially charged political atmosphere in American history. Ironically all of this progress as legitimate as it may be will certainly be tested in these next 5 months as to how committed and unbiased the American people are with regards to equality and humanity.

I think its ironic that all of this occurs during the week of the 10th anniversary of the dragging death of James Byrd Jr. in Jasper TX by three white supremacists not much more than 100 miles from me as I write. Yes, we are reminded of the horrors and gross injustices of the past, but more importantly as Senator Obama testifies to, there is a reality of progress in American race relations as the black-face is peeled off of the face of democracy and thrusts her on stage to perform with greater purity than ever before.

May the things of God such as Justice, love for ALL mankind, worth and value of God's creation, and Hope for the Oppressed and Impoverished be illuminated. May we be invested in these things so that God may be Glorified and His people thoroughly satisfied in a faith that doesn't just look churchy or religious but life giving, and takes the life of Christ and his people seriously.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Basic Beliefs

Here are some basic core beliefs I hold that at times I have to be reminded of but none the less are critical to existence and to living a God glorifying life at least for me personally.

* People are valuable and all hold equal but immeasurable worth

* God is good and created people intentionally and retains power and authority over His creation enabling His creation to succeed

* I have no right to life but am given life as a gift from the creator God

* My life is fluid because of the ability to direct my life by making choices

* Choices are first and foremost weighed by the manner in which they glorify God including any moral or ethical implications they have.

* Time is never wasted

* There is always something to be learned from and improved upon in every situation.

* It is essential to maintain a teachable attitude by killing pride daily. A teachable attitude opens the gate further for one to Follow Christ more closely and look more like Him.

These are a few of my essential life philosophies. I will close by giving my life mission statement:

I yearn for a Biblically balanced mind to kindle Godly affections in my heart so my entire life and being overflows in God Glorifying ministry
My hope is that this mission will be completed daily.

-Brian

Monday, May 26, 2008

The Giver

Yes I know its the title of a wonderful book, but I am focusing on this being a theme of my future financial situation. I have really been struggling with this notion of what Fiscally responsible Christian looks like. Is it okay to be wealthy? Must I give everything away. What defines a good steward from an alright steward. How does God get the most glory? I think Kate is very right that God doesn't get the most glory from me going without and plunging myself into poverty to fight poverty around me - that is just poverty role reversal. I'm blogging about this now because I have reached my conclusion. I want to live a life where I give more than I keep. Regardless of how much I make. That is my goal any thoughts from my entourage of readers?

Memories of Kate

Its funny how things happen, fade and then resurface. It maybe uncertain where the road leads but I want to remember the good stuff because there is a lot of it and then if I have to put it away to dampen the sting of mourning.

In no particular order are fond memories of Kate and I: (I will add more later)

*Kate at my parents house in her navy pajamas sitting on the floor against the chair.

*Going for a walk on our land and Kate taking pictures

*Showing Kate around Carthage and her realizing that she had previously been there on roadtrip

*Watching movies with her in Christopher's bed and falling asleep

*Snuggling up close together as we did fireworks

*Kate going hunting with me in west texas

*The funny long drive there to the camp

*Kate shooting different guns

*Kate sitting in the deerstand with me as we watched the deer

*Kate and I searching for a possibly hit deer that was actually missed

*Kate putting an amazing shot on her first doe that is now in the freezer

*Kate learning how to clean a deer

*Kate and I discussing the merits and ethics of deer hunting

*Kate and I taking care of the Zoe at the ranch

*Me getting to take care of Kate while she is sick

*Kate and I finding Zoe, and then going and getting care items for her at wal-mart and then taking her to the vet together.

*Kate cleaning my place before she left and leaving sticky notes everywhere.

*Kate greeting me when I came home from work with her hair down and a big smile as she had decorated my place with artwork and pictures, sticky notes with sweet phrases.

*Kate and I moving her into Arlington and listening to stand up comedy.

*Kate and I driving to the airport in Dallas so she could fly to Denver.

*Kate taking me on the campus of Baylor, through the halls of some of the buildings and us stepping over the wimpy stream in the middle.

*Kate graciously going with me to tour around Gander Mountain even though it was clearly uncomfortable with her.

(To Be Continued)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Laughing

Yes it is my favorite activity - Mind of Mencia is reminding me of this. After posting that last post it is my favorite thing to do to kill stress. There have been periods in the last couple of months that I haven't laughed at all. It seems like it just intensifies stress. Laughing is essential. I guess it is what I do for fun. People have asked me what I do for fun in the last few weeks and I havent been able to come up with anything except for being with Kate. I think laughing is the main thing that usually stems from watching something ff of comedy central preferably standup. I think I would like to own a standup comedy club. that would be awesome. Okay I know I want to do everything and be everything but its still another cool ambition if I get bored with my current ambitions.

Some Comedians I like:

Daniel Tosh
George Lopez
Robin Williams
Carlos Mencia
Demetri Martin
Blue Collar Comedy (Jeff, Larry, Bill and Ron White!)
Lewis Black
Vic Henley
Brian Regan
Jeff Dunham
Mitch Hedberg

-Brian

Bonding

I have found that there are certain things that help me to bond with people
1) Laughing - if we laugh together its a sure thing that we will bond
2) experience - accomplishing something together
3) interests - just generally having things in common more philosophically speaking than practically

To Whom It May Concern (the critical community)

Go climb a tree to put it bluntly. I don't care about your analysis of me anymore. I know I am OK and will ALWAYS be OK. Whether I am here in Texas single and alone or living in Africa with a large family and involved in many activities. I am not co-dependent, schizophrenic, an abuser or someone worthy of being hated. I don't need you diagnosis of me. To hell with your sympathy one day and criticism the next. I think I can handle that. I did not kill anyone nor would I ever so those of you that wish to label me in this way be certain of this one thing as of now, today, I am not going to waste ANY energy in changing your mind. I have just opted to cut you out of my life. This is totally regardless of who you are. Oh yeah and by the way don't claim to be some wise or insightful with the gift of prophecy or knowledge Christian to defend your claim. Christ didn't have a crutch and he wouldnt be happy with yours to justify your selfish pride.

That all being said I do care about Kate. I certainly love her. I do want us to work. I hope, pray, beg that I am not too black and white for her. Yes I am very black and white but I love her influence of gray in my life. I hope it yields beauty and diversity not confining conflict. I can't pretend I am someone I am not. I like who I am and am not going to change for one person or agenda and be internally unsatisfied. I am just going to be me.

I regret I ever said that I would do all of the work in this restoration process that is truly impossible for one person. No human being can be responsible for subduing everyone's concerns and changing their opinions. I believe I can do most of the work even without the supportive community-(I have no one to run to and find refuge in, I have told no one about all of this embarrassing stuff). The people that no in my life that maybe quasi supportive are only like that part of the time and then they feel compelled to tell me how wrong I am or was, like I may possibly forget or that the experience wasn't traumatic enough so they feel the need to make me relive it.

I will do all of the work that I can as one person without a supportive community. If you claim you are or want to be supportive of me let me warn you, I will test you intensely. I don't need another wolf around me, or another critic. I get to take responsibility all over again for my situation when I get up every morning and pickup the baggage I made and carry it with me. I am almost immune now of people being nice to me, it really means nothing other than you can perform with social appropriateness.

I am really tired and praying for strength. I think the end is in sight and I will be in Waco and start making friends. No I don't want to try and prove myself different with Kate's friends -the heck with them. They can either accept me or not. I want to make new friends by myself and with Kate. A starting over, a freshness and liberation party. I am so glad Kate's friends are moving away, less I have to contend with for their stupid endorsement. Thats significant because others approval is important to Kate.

I am so smart. I like myself. My southern roots, my country music, my guns, my keen sense of justice and injustice, my ability to read people (that hardly is ever inaccurate). I will be OK. I will be happy. Joy is around the corner held by my God. He is good and will with hold no good thing from me. I would love for people to understand me but regardless God will always understand me. Christ was and is well acquainted with my sufferings. I have a holy confidence in myself because My god created me and placed me here with a definite purpose. No its not cliche its just the way it is. Its not a comforting phrase to deal with my neurosis as Freud mentioned. Its the most sensible faith driven reality.

I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm out

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Disciplines

I can't go back. Turning around and running from everything is not even an option. There is too much beauty before me. Yet there is pain and darkness ahead as well. I have made my own bed. My choices created this stress that I wish to avert. Yes I am ashamed at what I did but more so who I was - that I could even be that person. I don't buy the crap that it was a concoction of brain chemicals or the lack there of. It was evil, it was malicious and an act of treason against love.

I can only hope for restoration and progress. To truly learn myself better. To right whatever is wrong with in me. To deal with the terrible motivation that caused that type of action. Yes medication or therapy may be a good start but there has to be more.

At the same time I know that I am not an evil person but a child of God who is being remade further in his likeness with each moment that passes.

What am I to conclude from this? That I am a loose cannon and can be Jekyll one day and Hyde the next? Or that I am just a monster and hide behind a facade of being a "child of god".

If you ask anyone who has followed me for years they would probably tell you the above assumptions are not accurate.

Lets step past the behavior. Lets dig deeper than anger or hurt. Move pass the depressive symptoms and towards daily habit. I think this all begins to travel toward Not just being of Christ but being disciplined in following Him and His teachings. Its Spiritual Discipline 101 and its humiliating. Not that I have ever been some Spiritual discipline guru but I know better than this. My actions are a direct result of disobedience, of selfishness. Yes, I believe Depression can be induced by this or depression can foster an environment where it makes being undisciplined more desirable but none of that is valid justification. I got lazy following this one I claimed to love and everything fell apart. Identically like I got lazy caring for this girl i claimed to love and destroyed everything.

Not just spiritual disciplines but personal and self disciplines. Listen to people. Be humble. Be teachable. Do not be angry to attempt to fix things (anger never fixes things). Be realistic. Be honest.

I now must rebuild. Gather all of the baby blocks, and gentle place them together. Submitting myself daily before God for strength and endurance for a necessary grace to survive. Then with that make choices that day to better my mess; to heal and clean the wounds before they become infected. I inflicted these and in a sick way it is my joy to care for these pains and wounds I have caused. It is my first act of self discipline that is derived from the spiritual discipline of following Christ.


I am preparing for pain from those that have experienced my undisciplined self and praying for a severe mercy and a chance to find grace to be thankful for.

God I have wondered from the path, guide me back. May I be covered with the your dust rabbi. For my joy and others.