"You don't exude joy like you use to"

If you have read the title of this entry (I'm assuming you have) maybe you can understand where I am going with this.

The other day I reconnected with a guy that has been out of my life for probably close to 5 or 6 years. He ironically goes to the same church that i do and we re-met there. We began to catchup and to talk about our lives, talk about where we have been, what God is up to with us and kinda who we are now. I began to catch him up on me and he just kinda stopped me in mid sentence and said "you don't exude joy like you use to". It was all I could do to keep myself from crying. I have never been cut so deeply by words. It wasn't due to a girl or a circumstance or anything else but an observation of a dear friend. All I could say is "you're right". Part of it was pride and part embarrassment and part just sadness, lamenting of how beautiful and joyful of a follower of Christ I was. Now I'm just a seemingly washed up guy that will forever be a second-rate Christian. (I know that is not a clear picture of how Christ views me and my true identity, but it is how I feel)

I never dreamed words could really hurt that much and have such an ongoing hurtful effect. It was one of the most depressing moments of my life. Oh the irony. I have been cheated on, manipulated, laughed at, humiliated, embarrassed, may things but pointing out that I exuded the joy of Christ almost without effort because I was so intertwined with him and now I don't words can not express how displacing and alienating that makes me feel.

God I want you, God I want to be like you, love you and possess the joy of my salvation. Make it alive and new, make it fresh and pure. Glory to you king Jesus. May I once again follow you so closely so intimately that my identity is lost in you. My person is indistinguishable from the character of Christ. Beautiful One only you can make this possible. I repent of my sinful, selfish wondering, I repent of going to Tarshish and following myslef rather than the tough by blessed path you have for me. Restore me Jesus. Redeem me to yourself. Thank You Jesus