Called into and unto the God who created, redeemed and is perfecting me

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Basic Beliefs

Here are some basic core beliefs I hold that at times I have to be reminded of but none the less are critical to existence and to living a God glorifying life at least for me personally.

* People are valuable and all hold equal but immeasurable worth

* God is good and created people intentionally and retains power and authority over His creation enabling His creation to succeed

* I have no right to life but am given life as a gift from the creator God

* My life is fluid because of the ability to direct my life by making choices

* Choices are first and foremost weighed by the manner in which they glorify God including any moral or ethical implications they have.

* Time is never wasted

* There is always something to be learned from and improved upon in every situation.

* It is essential to maintain a teachable attitude by killing pride daily. A teachable attitude opens the gate further for one to Follow Christ more closely and look more like Him.

These are a few of my essential life philosophies. I will close by giving my life mission statement:

I yearn for a Biblically balanced mind to kindle Godly affections in my heart so my entire life and being overflows in God Glorifying ministry
My hope is that this mission will be completed daily.

-Brian

Monday, May 26, 2008

The Giver

Yes I know its the title of a wonderful book, but I am focusing on this being a theme of my future financial situation. I have really been struggling with this notion of what Fiscally responsible Christian looks like. Is it okay to be wealthy? Must I give everything away. What defines a good steward from an alright steward. How does God get the most glory? I think Kate is very right that God doesn't get the most glory from me going without and plunging myself into poverty to fight poverty around me - that is just poverty role reversal. I'm blogging about this now because I have reached my conclusion. I want to live a life where I give more than I keep. Regardless of how much I make. That is my goal any thoughts from my entourage of readers?

Memories of Kate

Its funny how things happen, fade and then resurface. It maybe uncertain where the road leads but I want to remember the good stuff because there is a lot of it and then if I have to put it away to dampen the sting of mourning.

In no particular order are fond memories of Kate and I: (I will add more later)

*Kate at my parents house in her navy pajamas sitting on the floor against the chair.

*Going for a walk on our land and Kate taking pictures

*Showing Kate around Carthage and her realizing that she had previously been there on roadtrip

*Watching movies with her in Christopher's bed and falling asleep

*Snuggling up close together as we did fireworks

*Kate going hunting with me in west texas

*The funny long drive there to the camp

*Kate shooting different guns

*Kate sitting in the deerstand with me as we watched the deer

*Kate and I searching for a possibly hit deer that was actually missed

*Kate putting an amazing shot on her first doe that is now in the freezer

*Kate learning how to clean a deer

*Kate and I discussing the merits and ethics of deer hunting

*Kate and I taking care of the Zoe at the ranch

*Me getting to take care of Kate while she is sick

*Kate and I finding Zoe, and then going and getting care items for her at wal-mart and then taking her to the vet together.

*Kate cleaning my place before she left and leaving sticky notes everywhere.

*Kate greeting me when I came home from work with her hair down and a big smile as she had decorated my place with artwork and pictures, sticky notes with sweet phrases.

*Kate and I moving her into Arlington and listening to stand up comedy.

*Kate and I driving to the airport in Dallas so she could fly to Denver.

*Kate taking me on the campus of Baylor, through the halls of some of the buildings and us stepping over the wimpy stream in the middle.

*Kate graciously going with me to tour around Gander Mountain even though it was clearly uncomfortable with her.

(To Be Continued)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Laughing

Yes it is my favorite activity - Mind of Mencia is reminding me of this. After posting that last post it is my favorite thing to do to kill stress. There have been periods in the last couple of months that I haven't laughed at all. It seems like it just intensifies stress. Laughing is essential. I guess it is what I do for fun. People have asked me what I do for fun in the last few weeks and I havent been able to come up with anything except for being with Kate. I think laughing is the main thing that usually stems from watching something ff of comedy central preferably standup. I think I would like to own a standup comedy club. that would be awesome. Okay I know I want to do everything and be everything but its still another cool ambition if I get bored with my current ambitions.

Some Comedians I like:

Daniel Tosh
George Lopez
Robin Williams
Carlos Mencia
Demetri Martin
Blue Collar Comedy (Jeff, Larry, Bill and Ron White!)
Lewis Black
Vic Henley
Brian Regan
Jeff Dunham
Mitch Hedberg

-Brian

Bonding

I have found that there are certain things that help me to bond with people
1) Laughing - if we laugh together its a sure thing that we will bond
2) experience - accomplishing something together
3) interests - just generally having things in common more philosophically speaking than practically

To Whom It May Concern (the critical community)

Go climb a tree to put it bluntly. I don't care about your analysis of me anymore. I know I am OK and will ALWAYS be OK. Whether I am here in Texas single and alone or living in Africa with a large family and involved in many activities. I am not co-dependent, schizophrenic, an abuser or someone worthy of being hated. I don't need you diagnosis of me. To hell with your sympathy one day and criticism the next. I think I can handle that. I did not kill anyone nor would I ever so those of you that wish to label me in this way be certain of this one thing as of now, today, I am not going to waste ANY energy in changing your mind. I have just opted to cut you out of my life. This is totally regardless of who you are. Oh yeah and by the way don't claim to be some wise or insightful with the gift of prophecy or knowledge Christian to defend your claim. Christ didn't have a crutch and he wouldnt be happy with yours to justify your selfish pride.

That all being said I do care about Kate. I certainly love her. I do want us to work. I hope, pray, beg that I am not too black and white for her. Yes I am very black and white but I love her influence of gray in my life. I hope it yields beauty and diversity not confining conflict. I can't pretend I am someone I am not. I like who I am and am not going to change for one person or agenda and be internally unsatisfied. I am just going to be me.

I regret I ever said that I would do all of the work in this restoration process that is truly impossible for one person. No human being can be responsible for subduing everyone's concerns and changing their opinions. I believe I can do most of the work even without the supportive community-(I have no one to run to and find refuge in, I have told no one about all of this embarrassing stuff). The people that no in my life that maybe quasi supportive are only like that part of the time and then they feel compelled to tell me how wrong I am or was, like I may possibly forget or that the experience wasn't traumatic enough so they feel the need to make me relive it.

I will do all of the work that I can as one person without a supportive community. If you claim you are or want to be supportive of me let me warn you, I will test you intensely. I don't need another wolf around me, or another critic. I get to take responsibility all over again for my situation when I get up every morning and pickup the baggage I made and carry it with me. I am almost immune now of people being nice to me, it really means nothing other than you can perform with social appropriateness.

I am really tired and praying for strength. I think the end is in sight and I will be in Waco and start making friends. No I don't want to try and prove myself different with Kate's friends -the heck with them. They can either accept me or not. I want to make new friends by myself and with Kate. A starting over, a freshness and liberation party. I am so glad Kate's friends are moving away, less I have to contend with for their stupid endorsement. Thats significant because others approval is important to Kate.

I am so smart. I like myself. My southern roots, my country music, my guns, my keen sense of justice and injustice, my ability to read people (that hardly is ever inaccurate). I will be OK. I will be happy. Joy is around the corner held by my God. He is good and will with hold no good thing from me. I would love for people to understand me but regardless God will always understand me. Christ was and is well acquainted with my sufferings. I have a holy confidence in myself because My god created me and placed me here with a definite purpose. No its not cliche its just the way it is. Its not a comforting phrase to deal with my neurosis as Freud mentioned. Its the most sensible faith driven reality.

I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm out

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Disciplines

I can't go back. Turning around and running from everything is not even an option. There is too much beauty before me. Yet there is pain and darkness ahead as well. I have made my own bed. My choices created this stress that I wish to avert. Yes I am ashamed at what I did but more so who I was - that I could even be that person. I don't buy the crap that it was a concoction of brain chemicals or the lack there of. It was evil, it was malicious and an act of treason against love.

I can only hope for restoration and progress. To truly learn myself better. To right whatever is wrong with in me. To deal with the terrible motivation that caused that type of action. Yes medication or therapy may be a good start but there has to be more.

At the same time I know that I am not an evil person but a child of God who is being remade further in his likeness with each moment that passes.

What am I to conclude from this? That I am a loose cannon and can be Jekyll one day and Hyde the next? Or that I am just a monster and hide behind a facade of being a "child of god".

If you ask anyone who has followed me for years they would probably tell you the above assumptions are not accurate.

Lets step past the behavior. Lets dig deeper than anger or hurt. Move pass the depressive symptoms and towards daily habit. I think this all begins to travel toward Not just being of Christ but being disciplined in following Him and His teachings. Its Spiritual Discipline 101 and its humiliating. Not that I have ever been some Spiritual discipline guru but I know better than this. My actions are a direct result of disobedience, of selfishness. Yes, I believe Depression can be induced by this or depression can foster an environment where it makes being undisciplined more desirable but none of that is valid justification. I got lazy following this one I claimed to love and everything fell apart. Identically like I got lazy caring for this girl i claimed to love and destroyed everything.

Not just spiritual disciplines but personal and self disciplines. Listen to people. Be humble. Be teachable. Do not be angry to attempt to fix things (anger never fixes things). Be realistic. Be honest.

I now must rebuild. Gather all of the baby blocks, and gentle place them together. Submitting myself daily before God for strength and endurance for a necessary grace to survive. Then with that make choices that day to better my mess; to heal and clean the wounds before they become infected. I inflicted these and in a sick way it is my joy to care for these pains and wounds I have caused. It is my first act of self discipline that is derived from the spiritual discipline of following Christ.


I am preparing for pain from those that have experienced my undisciplined self and praying for a severe mercy and a chance to find grace to be thankful for.

God I have wondered from the path, guide me back. May I be covered with the your dust rabbi. For my joy and others.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Roadway

I'm preparing for today with great hope but some anxiety. I'm hoping that this will be the path to some answers for myself. Maybe this will be a break through moment to any degree. God help me, be gracious that I may learn just one thing. If you would only be that merciful. Just teach me. Show me just that one thing, so I may feel on the roadway to recovery. If you could only untangle one wire in this mess I would appreciate it. I want a bigger view.

Turn The Page

Filaments wane
Rationing the light
Through the dimness I can see
A page tattered with time
Smeared with regret
Drenched with guilt
weathered with tears
no room left to write

The capacity exceeded
Too much blood has been shed
The ink well now depleted
Events the fibers have absorbed
Broken attempts have transpired
Adding to the disarray
The page once held a story
Now only contains decay

A gracious hand reaches across
Traversing the aftermath
Of erroneous wars now lost at sea
Quietly whispering a chance revival
The left now right
He firmly grasp
Right back to a nothing left
Split the vast open

A blank of now
An empty sea which vessels embark
The raw clay of unsoiled ground
Calling for rebirth while groaning for growth
Dissatisfied with the black and white of ink wasted
To turn the page
Does hope a worthless service
Unless the new is fertile with activity

A page turned
Yields disappointment
Without the procreation of beauty
The pen must touch the paper once more
Dancing to mature choreography
Hating the violence of misguided strokes
Let love the atoning eraser
Kiss the womb of honesty

May My heart bleed contrition that is healthy to inspire the yearning for new life. An abundant life that seeks more peace, more beauty, more harmony with oneself and with all yet keeps stagnant contentment at a safe distance. The God of centuries back is large enough to not waste the events of life regardless of valence. The sea of love is deep enough to dive head first in or to jump from the mountain tops of complacency and despair into.

This is the turning of a page, a call to draw upon the wisdom imparted to me from before my first breath. For redemption to not just bring back but to bring life.

Death to the Godless hymnal that lulls the Spirit while tranquilizing a religious community. Crush the twisting of God's revelation to a willful act of mind control and man-centered compliance gaining. Silence the tongues that lap up currency with rhetoric aimed at undermining the precious gift for which Christ died and only manufacture Biblically illiterate heretics.

The vice of current religion trends appears to alienate and debase man. Man is urged to simply survive rather than sacrifice. To be an animal rather than a Christ. To regress pursuing lusts and stimulants.

This is hell. This is what God warned of -this is the unquenchable fire. It is the present marred page that is unquenchable. I have seen this in my life. I have lived this. Turn the page and take out the pen. Spirit write, revive, renew.