To Whom It May Concern (the critical community)

Go climb a tree to put it bluntly. I don't care about your analysis of me anymore. I know I am OK and will ALWAYS be OK. Whether I am here in Texas single and alone or living in Africa with a large family and involved in many activities. I am not co-dependent, schizophrenic, an abuser or someone worthy of being hated. I don't need you diagnosis of me. To hell with your sympathy one day and criticism the next. I think I can handle that. I did not kill anyone nor would I ever so those of you that wish to label me in this way be certain of this one thing as of now, today, I am not going to waste ANY energy in changing your mind. I have just opted to cut you out of my life. This is totally regardless of who you are. Oh yeah and by the way don't claim to be some wise or insightful with the gift of prophecy or knowledge Christian to defend your claim. Christ didn't have a crutch and he wouldnt be happy with yours to justify your selfish pride.

That all being said I do care about Kate. I certainly love her. I do want us to work. I hope, pray, beg that I am not too black and white for her. Yes I am very black and white but I love her influence of gray in my life. I hope it yields beauty and diversity not confining conflict. I can't pretend I am someone I am not. I like who I am and am not going to change for one person or agenda and be internally unsatisfied. I am just going to be me.

I regret I ever said that I would do all of the work in this restoration process that is truly impossible for one person. No human being can be responsible for subduing everyone's concerns and changing their opinions. I believe I can do most of the work even without the supportive community-(I have no one to run to and find refuge in, I have told no one about all of this embarrassing stuff). The people that no in my life that maybe quasi supportive are only like that part of the time and then they feel compelled to tell me how wrong I am or was, like I may possibly forget or that the experience wasn't traumatic enough so they feel the need to make me relive it.

I will do all of the work that I can as one person without a supportive community. If you claim you are or want to be supportive of me let me warn you, I will test you intensely. I don't need another wolf around me, or another critic. I get to take responsibility all over again for my situation when I get up every morning and pickup the baggage I made and carry it with me. I am almost immune now of people being nice to me, it really means nothing other than you can perform with social appropriateness.

I am really tired and praying for strength. I think the end is in sight and I will be in Waco and start making friends. No I don't want to try and prove myself different with Kate's friends -the heck with them. They can either accept me or not. I want to make new friends by myself and with Kate. A starting over, a freshness and liberation party. I am so glad Kate's friends are moving away, less I have to contend with for their stupid endorsement. Thats significant because others approval is important to Kate.

I am so smart. I like myself. My southern roots, my country music, my guns, my keen sense of justice and injustice, my ability to read people (that hardly is ever inaccurate). I will be OK. I will be happy. Joy is around the corner held by my God. He is good and will with hold no good thing from me. I would love for people to understand me but regardless God will always understand me. Christ was and is well acquainted with my sufferings. I have a holy confidence in myself because My god created me and placed me here with a definite purpose. No its not cliche its just the way it is. Its not a comforting phrase to deal with my neurosis as Freud mentioned. Its the most sensible faith driven reality.

I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm out