Dealing with Displacement: Missional, Seasonal, Singleness

Wow the thoughts and revelations that are shooting across my brain. Neurotransmitters working incessantly.

So I'm nearly 24 and I'm a single guy. No prospects, no "I would if...", Nope, nothing.

Right now its just me and my cat Zoe.

Now to give a little context for these thoughts that I'm about to unload you must know a few things about me.

First, I live in a sizeable college town, where there are young men and women socializing everywhere.

Secondly, I have wondered if God has just forgotten about this single guy, condemned me to singleness or worse yet, to walk with a woman that I love and care about her significantly more than she loves me. This has always been a battle for me because I feel very "normal" and wired for marriage yet circumstances seem to debilitate the fairy tale.

With the above understanding let us wade into my current thoughts. Being in this town for 5 years I have seen a common theme with the people I meet. Probably 98% of these individuals are what I would like to call "transitionary friends." Meaning that these young people that I have walked through college with or their young career stage is by definition a formative and transitionary period in their life. It is not a time of settling down, laying root to an area and committing an on-going donation of their life and labor to the College Station community. Typically our friendship is just as transitionary or seasonal as their education or young career formation. So that person male or female maybe a semi-close to close friend for about a year until they move on to the next step of life i.e. graduation, marriage, career, etc...

This is totally normal and healthy. People are young and college ageish, complete school, get good jobs, met someone, marry them and move off with them.

The 2% or so that don't and our friendships actively remain are generally those people that usually fall into one of the following categories or most likely all of them. They graduate and have no clear job direction or prospects, are still single, love hanging around with the college kids for selfish or selfless reasons, or get jobs in this area.

An exception to this is extremely dear friends that move off get married etc and yet we still remain close. These types of people possess great love for me and are truly a blessing and are a part of a bond only God could create. AKA - Mark Morris, Taylor, Jesse.

Well, I fall into that 2% category as you can already figure out. More specifically I yearn for community for a dear friend to walk with long after all of my college friends have been married or taken jobs elsewhere or both. I want someone to share my life with, the little things, the insignificant or foolish moments and the intimate and intense moments. This is not really the kind of need a dude can meet therefore, in short, I need a wife.

Its a neat thing God has shown me about my manhood and how I am created. It is also extremely encouraging and I hope that it encourages others. I was not made to live the rest of my life with people, guy or girl, blowing into and out of my life like the wind. I was made for community and the most intimate level of that community is family.

You may ask..."Why is that encouraging if you don't have a wife or family right now and are stuck at home by yourself with your cat?" Well, thats a great question. One reason is the Godly, and functional longing for that kind of intimate community is affirmed with scripture that I was not made to be alone and therefore gives me hope that one day in God's timing he will fulfill that longing my desires will be fulfilled by His grace. Basically, it reminds me that it is healthy to long for a wife and family and should raise a red flag and other inquires if that longing wasn't there.

If I was comfortable with getting close to people and then having them leave me and move on in life and i just was comfortable remaining in the same stage of life that would be valid cause for alarm. It also could be an indication to examine my life and see if I was made for singleness as a so to speak career move. Nope not digging it. Thanks God.

Also, it makes me utterly dependent on God to satisfy these desires of wanting to have this type of intimate family relationship while he with holds this from me.

Another thing that comes out of this is a sense of overwhelming healthy, Godly, anticipation of how "things" (meeting a lady, courting or dating her, etc..) are going to play out. Its sort of like being one or two people back in line for the best new intimidating roller coaster at a large theme park.

Back to reality =)

So I am still single at the end of writing this. That doesn't mean that I sit on my duff and wait for God to drop her out of the air it also doesn't mean that I go and load my quiver with Cupid's arrows then frequent every estrogen rich environment in town either.

No, I live and learn and press into God, with my eyes fixed firmly on Him, praying over these desires being sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit. What does that look like practically? Doesn't that sound over-spiritualized? Lets be careful to not do that. What I mean is simply this. Be an active part of God's community, the church. Love those in the church, love those outside the church, love those in other local bodies, of every gender and age, but don't get caught up in socializing and let that become and idol. Remain on mission for the things of God and then she, or he will appear. Not out of thin air, like some ridiculous "hocus, pocus," or scales will fall from your eyes like Saul, but the Lord is sovereign over our hearts and our affections and He will incline them in accordance with his will. You typically see God pair people as they are serving Him. This is not a great shocker because a family as Paul gets at in 1 Corinthians is a ministry.

This time is bittersweet. Displacement -yearning for more than the status quo of singleness and yet sweet because of the keeping and assurance of the Lord's promises and revelation. Don't be a bear my friends. Don't hibernate through the winter season of singleness, but venture out on the snowy valley and gaze up unto God's majestic mountain peaks above. May this began to melt away the bitterness and displacement upon the heart and warm it with joy and gratitude for the faithful mountain-maker.

Side note: Be careful about idolizing the Eric Ludy, Josh Harris, stupid courtship philosophy. A lot of that stuff is overspiritualized. I have had to combat that a lot lately. Its not that its bad or sinful it is just not superiorly wise or has some form of inherit righteousness if you follow everyone of their suggestions. Such a method does not universally apply to the body of Christ or it would be laid out in scripture. their dating/courtship methods are BASED on scripture but extrapolated into a dating philosophy so don't get legalistic and tied down if such a method doesn't work for you.

Romanticizing Africa

A thought I had today as I was therapy walking in the park. I have to write it down. It was almost as clear as an audible from God.

"I don't have a right to go and die in Africa, until I am willing to die and be humiliated openly here in America. It seems that to run off to Africa or China and die for the cause of Christ is more than a Martyr complex and its more than being foolish, its extremely cowardly. Christ was scorned and rejected, openly humiliated and beaten by His own people the Jews. I hope I remember that. Lately the hardest thing for me to do is to call people out in my own body. To deal with the hypocrisy around me and in my own life. That kinda stuff is really humiliating and foundational to the Christ-exalting missional mindest."

"Don't woos out, thats the ultimate sell out, be a man"

It is truly a time to be bold. I love Living Hope and there is a lot of authenticity in this body but there is a ton of religiosity I'm seeing. I know when I get pressed on it or confront it I'm gonna take some flack. It will probably be sorrowful, but I have to die to that scorn for the sake of holiness and truth among the body.

I really hope we get away from this actions and attitude like we have it all together. Religion sells but their is no warranty. Praise You Jesus for being the foundational rock.

Sound Bites from the Battlefield

I spent the evening yesterday with the Living hope off shoot church start beginning in Bryan. After a time of hanging out and eating we entered into a time of prayer.

One woman as we were praying mentioned God you have shown me these hard things that you are asking me to sacrifice (paraphrase) "please give me joy to do what you ask me to" I thought that was breath-takingly authentic as she wept extensively over her situation.

God would joy of who you are accompany us through the valley of the shadow of death. May we fear no evil, may we find sparks of hope. May the breeze of the Spirit carry away the stale air.

As Cornelius prayed in Mark "Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief"

May we taste and see how good you are, may we in a very real and practical way find joy in you as we attempt to be disciplined and follow you. God enable us with your spirit

"You don't exude joy like you use to"

If you have read the title of this entry (I'm assuming you have) maybe you can understand where I am going with this.

The other day I reconnected with a guy that has been out of my life for probably close to 5 or 6 years. He ironically goes to the same church that i do and we re-met there. We began to catchup and to talk about our lives, talk about where we have been, what God is up to with us and kinda who we are now. I began to catch him up on me and he just kinda stopped me in mid sentence and said "you don't exude joy like you use to". It was all I could do to keep myself from crying. I have never been cut so deeply by words. It wasn't due to a girl or a circumstance or anything else but an observation of a dear friend. All I could say is "you're right". Part of it was pride and part embarrassment and part just sadness, lamenting of how beautiful and joyful of a follower of Christ I was. Now I'm just a seemingly washed up guy that will forever be a second-rate Christian. (I know that is not a clear picture of how Christ views me and my true identity, but it is how I feel)

I never dreamed words could really hurt that much and have such an ongoing hurtful effect. It was one of the most depressing moments of my life. Oh the irony. I have been cheated on, manipulated, laughed at, humiliated, embarrassed, may things but pointing out that I exuded the joy of Christ almost without effort because I was so intertwined with him and now I don't words can not express how displacing and alienating that makes me feel.

God I want you, God I want to be like you, love you and possess the joy of my salvation. Make it alive and new, make it fresh and pure. Glory to you king Jesus. May I once again follow you so closely so intimately that my identity is lost in you. My person is indistinguishable from the character of Christ. Beautiful One only you can make this possible. I repent of my sinful, selfish wondering, I repent of going to Tarshish and following myslef rather than the tough by blessed path you have for me. Restore me Jesus. Redeem me to yourself. Thank You Jesus

Resuscitation

"Do Not Resuscitate"
The pale chest read
A lifeless fate
Already chosen

So is this the way we play our cards
Is this the brightest of the stars
To fold the hand that we've been dealt
To call the game before its over

Fatigue with your fear
I choose to cuddle hope
If she dies in my arms
I will not let her die alone

So give and taste the dirt I was made of
The sin I was marred by
The blood sprinkled over the mercy seat
And the Spirit active in me

Killing The Contradiction

Swallowed in an empty glass
tried to jump but i ran too fast
singing with my eyes wide open
In a thunderstorm that's too softly spoken

Let it go
Loosen your grip
killing the contradiction
just smothered the life inside

resuscitate while facing fate
Quickly hes turning blue
Falling deeper in love with you

corralling the contradiction
Trades chaos for complacency

Needham does it again!

So I just found out via Josh that Jimmy Needham, the little College Station worship leader guy is releasing his second all new full length album with Inpop records! The three songs up on his myspace are great and very different. "A Breath or Two" is probably my favorite of the three.

I love music, and a wide variety of music. There are definitely things I don't care for much but I really need to be listening to different things to keep my mind fresh and stimulated! His music is very soothing but still fun.

The Album "Not Without Love" comes out August 19, 2008

Check Him Out!!!

Jimmy Needham "Not Without Love"

Me In Words

Deep, Passionate, Firm , Selfish, Loving, Gentle, Humble, Giving, Warm, Funny, Quiet, Extroverted, Spastic, People-centered, Calvinistic, Hedonistic, Naive, Joyous, Goofy, Smart, Analytical, Adventurous, Industrious, Pragmatic, Practical, Driven, Motivated, Kind, Serious, Together, Loyal, Committed, Biblical, Rude, Tender, Small, Faithful, Short, Diverse, Techy, Boring, Amusing, Country, Shallow, Mature, Bitter, Callous, Forgiving, Redeemed, Redemptive, Successful, Sinner, Capable, Listener, Encourager, Wordsmith, Poet, Team Member, Lover, Hunter, Outdoors man, Lifeguard, Sports Enthusiast, Baseball Player, Football Player, Collector, Entrepreneur, Leader, Follower, Small Town, Teacher, Disciple, Employee, Volunteer, Minister, Student, Head lifeguard, Aquatics Technician, Driver, Patient, Son, Brother, Victim, Abuser, Liar, Dedicated, Docile, Realist, Dreamer, Wild, Tender, Cute, Handsome, Ugly, Uninviting, Corrupt, Pure, Holy, Chosen, Justified, Dead, Careful, Reckless, Energetic, Despised, Jealous, Selfless, Hopeful, Contributor, Critic, Cynic, Movie Buff, Actor, Award Winner, Competitor, Artist, Self Educator, Counselor, Summer Staffer, Landscaper, Consumer, Seller, Missionary, Cowboy, Protestant, Christian, Human, Kid, Designer, Visionary, Needy, Complete, Incomplete, Mountain Climber, Snow Skier, Water Skier, Swimmer, Handyman, DIY, Student Leader, Conversationalist, Shooter, Justice Fighter.

Defining, Refining, Redefining

Today was an interesting day. Reading through the book "Vintage Jesus" by Mark Driscoll has been an exceptional treat just to remind myself of God's timeless truths.

I am living no longer in decay or want. This is somewhat difficult to actualize seeing is I don't have a community at the moment here at A&M but God still is here. I may not feel that or for that matter really "experience it", but that nonetheless negates scripture. Its somehow exhausting and refilling to run and function on nothing but faith and that in itself is an experience that I haven't had in awhile.

I trust you and believe you God and you have essentially given me no reason or rationale to. I'm not going to test drive this faith thing but finally marry her. I really want to be your bride. Yet another renaissance. Yet another chance for growth and flowering that will challenge and make beautiful this mess of me.

Today I think it starts with semi-divorcing the past. Not living or dwelling there. analyzing and learning from those events and sovereign happenstances, the sin, the victories and then journeying on in as humanly complete of a divorce as possible. Will my past effect/affect me in the future - yes. Will it dictate my future - NO! I follow the way of the cross the way of death, pain, persecution and the broken sin of humanity. Yet on the other side of that cross is a resurrection and life that can only be described as supernatural, and beyond me. Redemption has a face and the face is unseen, intangible, but not completely obscure. Its the scarred face of Jesus. Time brings that necessary clarity, ushered in by prayer and helplessness even purposeful despair. Yes there is pain involved between the path of the cross and the time of resurrection. Its unbearable. Its a life unattainable without sovereign grace and mercy. An unjust love that justifies the blackened soul of my person.

I am Thankful

I am Helpless

Yet I am being made Holy

May the path of the cross not yield a martyrdom complex, but a bigger view of God that makes me humbly grateful.

Muted Heart

Regret before the words are formed

Then thrown and the flesh is torn

Screams muted with confusion leaves

Hope wrapped in the fog of life

Looking for glory’s amber glow

One thirsts for heat and light

Journeying for such satisfying radiance

The quest embraced without complaint

Lord pickup the heart when it’s faint

Fire-Power On The Fourth - God and I have a sidebar dialogue

Fun night I guess...

Of course I am the oldest by a couple of years hanging out with basically a bunch of members of one local church most college students, some high school.

The church kind resembled a cult to me tonight. It was a nice cult though. "here , this is what we do and this is what we don't do- oh and by the way God loves you and so do we"

If Christianity is a cult it sure is nice and teaches hospitality, maybe not tolerance but definitely surface level hospitality.

We popped lots of fireworks tonight, We shot some skeet. I did the best at shooting I might add of all participating (11 out of 12 I hit) all with my new gun - I love it!

I began to realize how much I have grown this past year or so by observing the young people and how different I am from them tonight. Through my perspective on life, on relationships and honestly most of all God's kingdom I have developed and progressed. Kate is wiser than she sees and has been a huge part of that.

I began to look around at the holy huddle I was hanging out with. This church in town is known for kind of being the high and mighty theologically perfect one. Very Calvinistic, very programmed, structured, and involved. In my humble opinion they are very focused on themselves and their membership within rather than the rest of the community which I guess is okay because they seem to really seek authentic community sadly its just amongst themselves - act almost leery of outsiders which is a whole nother sermon.

I found myself tonight looking at all of these cool young Christians and thinking to myself "I may not look the holiest in the room but much to popular opinion and what many well meaning churches preach I care much less about presenting myself as holy in social groups, church functions or Sunday service and communicating that I hold beliefs that are "true" and "right" than I am concerned with actually being internally holy. It was kind of a cool quiet God moment I had that obviously I couldn't share.

I really want to have holy pure friendships. I really want to be a life-giving breath of fresh air for someone else if the Spirit will choose to use me like that. I just want to be simply authentic. I want to be small and very big. I want to be the contradiction that cancels me out and puts Jesus front and center, even if I feel like at times-even now that Jesus doesn't like me very much and abandons me.

Theres just something that makes me love Jesus, sometimes in fickle spurts, maybe its the head knowledge that I know he is good and that he has demonstrated that in the past.

Another way to say this is that If my life stinks and I cant figure myself or my circumstances out I at least want to help work things out for someone else around me in hopes that they don't have to experience what I'm experiencing. Kinda sounds like I would make a good dad or a shepherd. Thats scary.

Sometimes I hate that I'm this selfless and get frustrated at others success. But motivating others and helping them find hope and life in Christ in their bleak moments is better than me not doing anything, wallering in my circumstance, and neither one of use finding any hope or success.

I like that Kate and I have such an open dialogue. I was really worried she would shut me out or that it may hurt to much for me to have that dialogue open on my end. God has been really merciful and I see unexpected joy often when we talk or text message. Thank You God. I know you are real and I know you are here, would you keep helping me and Kate with that? Thanks, I am taking your silence as a yes.

I look forward to the days when Kate and I can read and discuss books together or talk about our travels and education experiences.

I know when we first met we didn't really think as much alike as I thought we did. I guess that became evident in our relationship. I don't know if she just influenced me or I just influenced her, probably a combination of the two. Anyway I think we think at least somewhat similarly now and I like it. Its neat and something we share, almost as if God is winking at our history with a big grin on his face.

God I know I haven't figured out much still in my life, or you haven't shown or defined much yet and what I'm doing but thanks for not heaping anymore chaos and confusion on my plate for this last week or so and giving me some peace in the middle of this weird limbo season.

Its nice going to bed choosing this night to believe things are going to be okay.