I have been really fighting back these alternating emotions of somewhat missing Kate and being really anger and bitter with her decisions. Particularly with what I found out a couple of days ago seemed to be the final thing that destroyed her creditability and lent itself for me to have more of a reason to be angry, bitter, and cold toward her.
Such behavior on my part can't go on and is not acceptable. I wasn't mad until I found out the info I did a couple of days ago but that victory has come up short when I got so angry and was filled with bitterness.
I know her well enough to know how she is handling this what she is doing and with who. There is no reason for me to go on being mad or cold or angry. I shouldn't dwell on this either and meditate on the trust issues this presents between me and those involved in my personal life or a potential spouse. Thinking about or trying to get all of this behind me right now is not the most healthy thing to wade into.
So I'm just going to work on a couple of things right now. First, I don't want to love a dead relationship for a year and waste this next 12 months mourning a desire that can not be satisfied. So the first thing I am doing is accepting the way things are and almost certainly the way things will always be for Kate and I. We are two people who don't see God or people or life the same and it appears to be the best for her to go on with her dreams and I to re-piece together mine.
The second thing is to Forgive Her not out of a sense of obligation or as a skillfully played noble move but because there has to be good in her somewhere. I have seen good in her and she must be amazing for someone that meets her needs to her satisfaction. I forgive her. I forgive her for hurting me by using my failures of my behavior in the past to her personal gain and advantage in our relationship. I forgive her for being so inconsistent throughout our relationship by writing beautiful letters one day to being cold and distant and moody the next. I myself behaved in a similar way on occasion. We are humans and fail. Not only do I want to forgive her for what she did but I want to apologize for getting mad and becoming cold and bitter that is not the least bit healthy for her or myself.
These are the steps I'm taking right now to let things settle and finally be laid to rest peacefully between us. It is sad at times and I don't know how I feel at others. I just pray this roller coaster slowly begins to make more sense. I again Apologize to you and Forgive you Kate.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Time Flies
Its funny how rumination and time changes things. Just 36 hrs ago I thought Kate would come to her senses, let me support her, be understanding of where I am at as I was clearly trying to be understanding of where she was at yet not leave issues unresolved.
24 Hrs later after thinking, discussing, rethinking, I chose to no longer sacrifice myself for someone so insensitive and uncertain of what she wants. I thought yesterday about all of the things I did for her and all of the energy and effort I put forth. I know you romantics may lump me in the category of being selfish or a jerk myself. If you knew as Kate does of everything I have done and overcome to express devotion and respect to her, to pursue her and champion her as a man then no one has the right to call me selfish or a jerk.
I really love people, I love doing things for people but I don't like my effort being neglected or being taken advantage of.
When that threshold is crossed I have a hard time finding sympathy or empathizing with someone in any situation. I don't neglect, much to Kate's concern of me overlooking her needs I never did. I may have not communicated that well but rarely (during time when I was tired and stressed) did I not consider her emotions first before my own.
24 Hrs later after thinking, discussing, rethinking, I chose to no longer sacrifice myself for someone so insensitive and uncertain of what she wants. I thought yesterday about all of the things I did for her and all of the energy and effort I put forth. I know you romantics may lump me in the category of being selfish or a jerk myself. If you knew as Kate does of everything I have done and overcome to express devotion and respect to her, to pursue her and champion her as a man then no one has the right to call me selfish or a jerk.
I really love people, I love doing things for people but I don't like my effort being neglected or being taken advantage of.
When that threshold is crossed I have a hard time finding sympathy or empathizing with someone in any situation. I don't neglect, much to Kate's concern of me overlooking her needs I never did. I may have not communicated that well but rarely (during time when I was tired and stressed) did I not consider her emotions first before my own.
Brittani 2.0
I'm a stubborn guy and from the previous posts you can tell I still care about Kate much to many people's dislike. I do care about her and I am trying more so every moment to put her farther behind me. To love her from a distance that will likely never shorten but only grow.
The gravity of her choice, her "meltdown", keeps hitting me hard. She says she is doing this for her mental health and that I am being selfish and a jerk by inquiring into this. Well hello that's what happens when you are in a relationship for 11 months. You care and don't turn it off like a faucet.
If she is having such a hard time why doesn't she allow me to support her, offer emotional care a listening ear etc... Rather than even acknowledge my concern she isolates me. Says " I'm not obligated to you" after I commented about you don't treat people this way that care about you. I gave my final plea tonight to try and make sense of this.
Sound familiar? Yep its the little selfish girl syndrome Brittani version 2. "I can't handle this so rather than voicing my concern like a mature person I am simply going to cut all strings, make it extremely dramatic with making it a matter of my mental health (can you believe she had the nerve to call ME dramatic tonight?) and then go off and have fun with my friends. Isn't that what Brittani did? Go and recoup with her friends? I kinda wished I would have been more apathetic to Kate. More like the attitude of "Well whatever happens happens" instead of the attitude I held of her being so dear and such a fine catch. It would be different if she warned me hey I'm really struggling, I need some help, I feel like I'm going to break etc... She sells me this story that she had a breakdown during her party weekend and saw the light of the choice she should have always made. Can't you just hear the Orchestra playing in the background?
I told her tonight that I have really cared about it but her wanting me to just sit here making conversation with all of these questions for a month while she gallivants off with her friends all over the place is unfair and mean at best.
If she is self-seeking enough to treat me like I am an expendable item and I only have value when she wants me to she doesn't deserve me, I am not her play toy or her handy man. I am all or nothing.
Two things:
This takes a big black marker and scribbles through every I love you she ever said to me and every evidence of wanting me to support her and love her because now she has rejected my support and more so show evidence that she is not someone safe to be in a relationship with because she is "not obligated" and refuses "commitment". She needs some emo guy with an enduring prescription of prozac.
The other thing is that she doesn't now take responsibility for being so selfish. Shes accountable for her actions and I know she thinks that this will all blow over and I will turn around and come after her. Well, let Amor Fati be because you have bought your own fate by how you responded to your stressful situation. I am not a lifeboat for a sinking ship. Yes sinking is a choice too. Life is a choice and you choose to LIVE alone without a guy that cares about you. In the words of my dad two nights ago "the heck with her, you go on about your business."
I'm not cold, I'm not bitter. I just have a very clear perspective finally on who I am as a child of God and my worth and how Kate and I are veering on very different paths. I hope she gets clarity to. Step out in the light of freedom. I still care about her but know after tonight that sadly as I feared in the previous post need to start putting that to death.
Kate once asked me if we broke up how long would I still have feelings for her, I said a year tops. I am hoping to narrow that down to a month to 3 months. I need to move on. I'm still young. I want to have a beautiful story and I want to be the kind of man that kids and my spouse are proud of. It starts now by putting horrors and pain behind me learning and developing my person (going back to school) working with different ministries and getting into things that God has made evident he is into (God is on the Move) and enjoy the company of the people along the way that are doing the same.
Goodbye Kate, You are now on the shelf of memories with Brittani in my heart and will slowly seep into my bloodstream less and less as time goes on. Thank You God that Brittani has completely deteriorated.
I hope something changes fast. I pray desperately that I am missing something and Kate has some true explanation for her behavior, but I fear its a sign that and future relationship possibility is terminal and at best on a short leash. I wish I would have never seen this side of Kate and that we could have parted ways on better terms. I will have to guard my self in being logical about this and fight back the tendency to be bitter or degrading.
The gravity of her choice, her "meltdown", keeps hitting me hard. She says she is doing this for her mental health and that I am being selfish and a jerk by inquiring into this. Well hello that's what happens when you are in a relationship for 11 months. You care and don't turn it off like a faucet.
If she is having such a hard time why doesn't she allow me to support her, offer emotional care a listening ear etc... Rather than even acknowledge my concern she isolates me. Says " I'm not obligated to you" after I commented about you don't treat people this way that care about you. I gave my final plea tonight to try and make sense of this.
Sound familiar? Yep its the little selfish girl syndrome Brittani version 2. "I can't handle this so rather than voicing my concern like a mature person I am simply going to cut all strings, make it extremely dramatic with making it a matter of my mental health (can you believe she had the nerve to call ME dramatic tonight?) and then go off and have fun with my friends. Isn't that what Brittani did? Go and recoup with her friends? I kinda wished I would have been more apathetic to Kate. More like the attitude of "Well whatever happens happens" instead of the attitude I held of her being so dear and such a fine catch. It would be different if she warned me hey I'm really struggling, I need some help, I feel like I'm going to break etc... She sells me this story that she had a breakdown during her party weekend and saw the light of the choice she should have always made. Can't you just hear the Orchestra playing in the background?
I told her tonight that I have really cared about it but her wanting me to just sit here making conversation with all of these questions for a month while she gallivants off with her friends all over the place is unfair and mean at best.
If she is self-seeking enough to treat me like I am an expendable item and I only have value when she wants me to she doesn't deserve me, I am not her play toy or her handy man. I am all or nothing.
Two things:
This takes a big black marker and scribbles through every I love you she ever said to me and every evidence of wanting me to support her and love her because now she has rejected my support and more so show evidence that she is not someone safe to be in a relationship with because she is "not obligated" and refuses "commitment". She needs some emo guy with an enduring prescription of prozac.
The other thing is that she doesn't now take responsibility for being so selfish. Shes accountable for her actions and I know she thinks that this will all blow over and I will turn around and come after her. Well, let Amor Fati be because you have bought your own fate by how you responded to your stressful situation. I am not a lifeboat for a sinking ship. Yes sinking is a choice too. Life is a choice and you choose to LIVE alone without a guy that cares about you. In the words of my dad two nights ago "the heck with her, you go on about your business."
I'm not cold, I'm not bitter. I just have a very clear perspective finally on who I am as a child of God and my worth and how Kate and I are veering on very different paths. I hope she gets clarity to. Step out in the light of freedom. I still care about her but know after tonight that sadly as I feared in the previous post need to start putting that to death.
Kate once asked me if we broke up how long would I still have feelings for her, I said a year tops. I am hoping to narrow that down to a month to 3 months. I need to move on. I'm still young. I want to have a beautiful story and I want to be the kind of man that kids and my spouse are proud of. It starts now by putting horrors and pain behind me learning and developing my person (going back to school) working with different ministries and getting into things that God has made evident he is into (God is on the Move) and enjoy the company of the people along the way that are doing the same.
Goodbye Kate, You are now on the shelf of memories with Brittani in my heart and will slowly seep into my bloodstream less and less as time goes on. Thank You God that Brittani has completely deteriorated.
I hope something changes fast. I pray desperately that I am missing something and Kate has some true explanation for her behavior, but I fear its a sign that and future relationship possibility is terminal and at best on a short leash. I wish I would have never seen this side of Kate and that we could have parted ways on better terms. I will have to guard my self in being logical about this and fight back the tendency to be bitter or degrading.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Things Missed
I obviously was really looking forward to going to the lake with Kate. I really want her to be there at the end of July when I get to lead the youth retreat. I really hope to hear from her on my birthday. Several words or phrases I caught myself saying today that were things just between us like - "dosin" "thats right" and "lept". I miss her. This hurts. It makes the other things like a job or money or education seem very small when you lose someone you care about.
Confronting the Self
As I spent the day today reflecting on what little I know of that Kate is experiencing right now and our past relationship, lots of things began to stick. Things began to continue to pop up that offered a hint of understanding. Many times it was just words like "burn out" or "sinking" or "freedom". I learned a lot today about me and confronted the deepest parts of who I am at my core and realized that I am not a terrible or rotten guy and I do sincerely and selflessly care about Kate. Its not the fair weather love that is really selfishness and lust cloaked in flowery language. I empathize with her pain of this being hard because it is for me and has been before. I want to understand more.
I say most of my day was spent reflecting, that's only half right -a lot of it was spent with friends in town over the summer. One of these guys asked about my relationship status and I began to vaguely explain things that had happened in very generic terms and confessing that I don't understand it all myself. Something very strange came up as I began to explain the emotion and feelings on my end of all of this. (I wouldn't dare to try and explain Kate's feelings because that's speaking out of turn of me especially to someone else). The feeling that I didn't realize I was feeling was guilt. Throughout the day I had began to feel freedom and no not freedom in the sense like "great I'm done with Kate and can move on" - no not that at all but a feeling of this is all bigger than me and my choices. It involves Kate's choices and the circumstances that God himself is supreme over. That for the first time today was not scary but very freeing and I briefly mentioned that to Kate. Yet this feeling of guilt as present. I began to explain that I feel so guilty and a little fearful that maybe I made Kate empty, maybe I did something to suck the life out of her and our relationship. That is an absolutely sickening feeling to me that I could depress or overwhelm someone. Kate if you are reading this and I did do something or a series of things to cause this I am so incredibly sorry. I understand this may just be circumstantial and that's OK and understandable but whatever part I played I am sorry. My intentions were just the opposite and I constantly have asked my self earlier tonight how I could have changed things to be more life-giving. I'm sure I could have been more disciplined in the things I shared and more specifically the timing of sharing to not flare unnecessary concern or emotion by either of us.
Today was specifically sad as I was at wal-mart with Josh getting items to take on his Africa trip and I saw the new Cold Play CD "Viva La Vida" I was looking forward to buying that for Kate, putting it under her windshield wiper blade with a sweet note for when she would come out to her car to go to work and start her day off with a sweet surprise. I kinda teared up and had to recollect myself. I also thought about my big surprise that I was going to have delivered to Talitha Koum before Kate left. A big Bouquet of flowers in a nice vase and on the card it would just simply say "Chosen". I also had planned on getting Kate the entire Friends Boxed set when I finally did get a "real" job. These are all things earmarked for my first paycheck.
I really hoped that Kate would get to see how devoted I was to her and that my overwhelmed behavior was not because of her but just because of these circumstances and the displacement in life. Regardless whether or not Kate speaks to me again or explains anything I just want her to clearly understand that she is not defective or a hazard to me but a someone who still is precious and dear to me. Seasons will change and I will be able to support myself and her - emotionally, physically and financially. God has breathed a lot of hope into me today. I have been really raw and vulnerable and the discomfort has been very worth it.
I still remember Kate and I's conversation on the bleachers of the gym at Carson Newman. I wanted to date her so bad. I wanted to champion her like a real man and prove myself. That desire is unmistakably still there, I hope it doesn't fade. As of now Kate is not safe, she has to figure things out and I am forced to move on. I hope I don't have to kill that desire to date her and love her. I hope at one point I can discuss and maybe act on it again. But that's where freedom lies -that God is going to sort this very complicated and sticky thing out because he is not cruel and hurtful but gracious and acquainted with our sorrow.
Godspeed Kate
I say most of my day was spent reflecting, that's only half right -a lot of it was spent with friends in town over the summer. One of these guys asked about my relationship status and I began to vaguely explain things that had happened in very generic terms and confessing that I don't understand it all myself. Something very strange came up as I began to explain the emotion and feelings on my end of all of this. (I wouldn't dare to try and explain Kate's feelings because that's speaking out of turn of me especially to someone else). The feeling that I didn't realize I was feeling was guilt. Throughout the day I had began to feel freedom and no not freedom in the sense like "great I'm done with Kate and can move on" - no not that at all but a feeling of this is all bigger than me and my choices. It involves Kate's choices and the circumstances that God himself is supreme over. That for the first time today was not scary but very freeing and I briefly mentioned that to Kate. Yet this feeling of guilt as present. I began to explain that I feel so guilty and a little fearful that maybe I made Kate empty, maybe I did something to suck the life out of her and our relationship. That is an absolutely sickening feeling to me that I could depress or overwhelm someone. Kate if you are reading this and I did do something or a series of things to cause this I am so incredibly sorry. I understand this may just be circumstantial and that's OK and understandable but whatever part I played I am sorry. My intentions were just the opposite and I constantly have asked my self earlier tonight how I could have changed things to be more life-giving. I'm sure I could have been more disciplined in the things I shared and more specifically the timing of sharing to not flare unnecessary concern or emotion by either of us.
Today was specifically sad as I was at wal-mart with Josh getting items to take on his Africa trip and I saw the new Cold Play CD "Viva La Vida" I was looking forward to buying that for Kate, putting it under her windshield wiper blade with a sweet note for when she would come out to her car to go to work and start her day off with a sweet surprise. I kinda teared up and had to recollect myself. I also thought about my big surprise that I was going to have delivered to Talitha Koum before Kate left. A big Bouquet of flowers in a nice vase and on the card it would just simply say "Chosen". I also had planned on getting Kate the entire Friends Boxed set when I finally did get a "real" job. These are all things earmarked for my first paycheck.
I really hoped that Kate would get to see how devoted I was to her and that my overwhelmed behavior was not because of her but just because of these circumstances and the displacement in life. Regardless whether or not Kate speaks to me again or explains anything I just want her to clearly understand that she is not defective or a hazard to me but a someone who still is precious and dear to me. Seasons will change and I will be able to support myself and her - emotionally, physically and financially. God has breathed a lot of hope into me today. I have been really raw and vulnerable and the discomfort has been very worth it.
I still remember Kate and I's conversation on the bleachers of the gym at Carson Newman. I wanted to date her so bad. I wanted to champion her like a real man and prove myself. That desire is unmistakably still there, I hope it doesn't fade. As of now Kate is not safe, she has to figure things out and I am forced to move on. I hope I don't have to kill that desire to date her and love her. I hope at one point I can discuss and maybe act on it again. But that's where freedom lies -that God is going to sort this very complicated and sticky thing out because he is not cruel and hurtful but gracious and acquainted with our sorrow.
Godspeed Kate
Sunday, June 22, 2008
The Exit
Everyone Leaves. Its just a fact of life. Friends move on, love interests no longer are interested and then the exit comes. The Blackout happens and the show adjourns until someone is naive enough to pay for another performance of the same thing. I can feel myself getting very cold now. I think I am grasping to remain human. The cynicism is slowly creeping into my veins.
Kate left. She decided to not go to the lake because "its not going to work" and "I(speaking of me) have to much conflict in my life" what a wonderful epitaph on a tombstone. I had been looking forward to the lake for over a month - since my parents first confirmed the trip. The trip was suppose to be a relaxing vacation with Kate. Thats why I was looking forward to it. Not for me specifically but more so for us. Now there is no us and I'm going to choose to forget she ever existed. I don't know her. The Kate I thought I knew wouldn't just one day up and decide to go over conflict after a party weekend in Austin. Shes unsafe and just like all unsafe things I am slowly weeding them out of my life I don't need anymore disappointments. This is uncontrollably hard for me to say and the last thing I need in my life right now but - Goodbye Kate.
Kate left. She decided to not go to the lake because "its not going to work" and "I(speaking of me) have to much conflict in my life" what a wonderful epitaph on a tombstone. I had been looking forward to the lake for over a month - since my parents first confirmed the trip. The trip was suppose to be a relaxing vacation with Kate. Thats why I was looking forward to it. Not for me specifically but more so for us. Now there is no us and I'm going to choose to forget she ever existed. I don't know her. The Kate I thought I knew wouldn't just one day up and decide to go over conflict after a party weekend in Austin. Shes unsafe and just like all unsafe things I am slowly weeding them out of my life I don't need anymore disappointments. This is uncontrollably hard for me to say and the last thing I need in my life right now but - Goodbye Kate.
Friday, June 6, 2008
The Sting of the Impossible
This is extremely hard to explain. I apologize in advance for my vague rambling here. This is related to a previous post criticizing my critics.
No one can possibly begin to understand what happened, what was going through my mind, what my motivations were, and how I felt a little over a month ago. The people that may have the closest idea to what this was like other than myself would probably be my Mom and Dad because I was in closest contact with them of all people at the time. Clearly next would be Kate. All of this is very relative in terms of understanding because I don't understand all of what I was thinking myself and it at times was very conflicting specifically internally.
This is where and why everything revolving around people on the outside gets very frustrating and depressing. People such as Kate's family or Kate's friends or my Uncle all have very limited knowledge and understanding of the situation because their sources - Myself, My family, or Kate have limited understanding of the situation. The most frustrating thing is to try and communicate myself, emotions feelings, motives, interpretations, environmental responses and factors during this time of meltdown and destruction. It truly is impossible to put myself inside someone else and them understand and think they humanly have a chance to know in full.
Now specifically it is frustrating, maddening, and causes a sting of despair when someone looks at the externals of the situation, comments on them, has limited knowledge at best of the situation or of me. I understand that it is certainly easier to write someone off as a psycho, abuser, jerk, (insert your own negative characterization of me) than to put forth great effort to try and understand someone else and make sense of a situation I frankly don't understand but in part so how can anyone else claim to classify or diagnose me?
I really just feel two emotions now when I hear someone negatively characterize me or refer to me negatively based on their info from someone, most commonly Kate, regarding the past series of events. Emotion 1 is anger and frustration with that individual who has no right to make a judgement on my character for nearly 24 years of existence. Emotion 2 is utter despair that everything that is or could possibly be redemptive is lost under the weight of my bad decisions/circumstantial issues surrounding truly the lowest point in my entire life and makes every waking moment in this state extremely performance based. It is with this emotion that I never want to speak to these people who have rendered judgement and at the most extreme moments I want to silently leave the entire situation and relationship behind, move to another area where no one knows about any of this and start over.
These are things that constantly replay in my head. I really do want and believe in complete and full redemption. I am just aware that forgiveness and redemption in these situations - true healing or moving past this is not contingent upon me. It would be nice for me to be hyper-macho and claim that if I do and say all of the right things everything will get better and we will skip off into the sunset. I am not that naive. I realize that many of these people may or may not forgive me. This scares me because I know myself. If they don't forgive me or give me some freedom I will get defensive further reinforcing their belief plus my defensiveness or anger if it goes that far will end Kate and I, for she can't handle my emotional reaction.
So here are my options as I see them. 1)Hope people will begin to forgive me as I interact with them that have these opinions of me and try to give them reason to forgive me. 2) Defend myself and put these people in their place (not the best option) 3) Cut these people strategically out of my life and therefore out of Kate and I's potential relationship by allowing them to think what they want and not entertain their judgment. 4) Cut and run from these people, this relationship, and start over anonymously somewhere else.
The thing is no one really has any right to make a judgment of who I am and who I am, only I best understand that and have to live with that reality. This all being said I am extremely thankful for Kate's support of me and her defense of her actions. It is empowering to think of someone that admittedly doesn't understand every bit of what happened but believes in redemption and hope enough to still be in the picture. She is empowering to me and I will enjoy every minute of our time together. I am not worried about us as a couple I think we have transcended that and have entered into a kind of friendship and general liking of each other that is past the namby pamby "I want to get married and I want a white picket fence" mentality.
I am trying to re-analyze my views on all of this as I have the mental and emotional strength to. Its surprisingly taxing to live with myself. This sentence I somewhat handed myself so I will take and carry the share of the responsibility I am due.
God i really need you now I don't want to go to sleep in despair or look to the future in despair and frustration with these people.
No one can possibly begin to understand what happened, what was going through my mind, what my motivations were, and how I felt a little over a month ago. The people that may have the closest idea to what this was like other than myself would probably be my Mom and Dad because I was in closest contact with them of all people at the time. Clearly next would be Kate. All of this is very relative in terms of understanding because I don't understand all of what I was thinking myself and it at times was very conflicting specifically internally.
This is where and why everything revolving around people on the outside gets very frustrating and depressing. People such as Kate's family or Kate's friends or my Uncle all have very limited knowledge and understanding of the situation because their sources - Myself, My family, or Kate have limited understanding of the situation. The most frustrating thing is to try and communicate myself, emotions feelings, motives, interpretations, environmental responses and factors during this time of meltdown and destruction. It truly is impossible to put myself inside someone else and them understand and think they humanly have a chance to know in full.
Now specifically it is frustrating, maddening, and causes a sting of despair when someone looks at the externals of the situation, comments on them, has limited knowledge at best of the situation or of me. I understand that it is certainly easier to write someone off as a psycho, abuser, jerk, (insert your own negative characterization of me) than to put forth great effort to try and understand someone else and make sense of a situation I frankly don't understand but in part so how can anyone else claim to classify or diagnose me?
I really just feel two emotions now when I hear someone negatively characterize me or refer to me negatively based on their info from someone, most commonly Kate, regarding the past series of events. Emotion 1 is anger and frustration with that individual who has no right to make a judgement on my character for nearly 24 years of existence. Emotion 2 is utter despair that everything that is or could possibly be redemptive is lost under the weight of my bad decisions/circumstantial issues surrounding truly the lowest point in my entire life and makes every waking moment in this state extremely performance based. It is with this emotion that I never want to speak to these people who have rendered judgement and at the most extreme moments I want to silently leave the entire situation and relationship behind, move to another area where no one knows about any of this and start over.
These are things that constantly replay in my head. I really do want and believe in complete and full redemption. I am just aware that forgiveness and redemption in these situations - true healing or moving past this is not contingent upon me. It would be nice for me to be hyper-macho and claim that if I do and say all of the right things everything will get better and we will skip off into the sunset. I am not that naive. I realize that many of these people may or may not forgive me. This scares me because I know myself. If they don't forgive me or give me some freedom I will get defensive further reinforcing their belief plus my defensiveness or anger if it goes that far will end Kate and I, for she can't handle my emotional reaction.
So here are my options as I see them. 1)Hope people will begin to forgive me as I interact with them that have these opinions of me and try to give them reason to forgive me. 2) Defend myself and put these people in their place (not the best option) 3) Cut these people strategically out of my life and therefore out of Kate and I's potential relationship by allowing them to think what they want and not entertain their judgment. 4) Cut and run from these people, this relationship, and start over anonymously somewhere else.
The thing is no one really has any right to make a judgment of who I am and who I am, only I best understand that and have to live with that reality. This all being said I am extremely thankful for Kate's support of me and her defense of her actions. It is empowering to think of someone that admittedly doesn't understand every bit of what happened but believes in redemption and hope enough to still be in the picture. She is empowering to me and I will enjoy every minute of our time together. I am not worried about us as a couple I think we have transcended that and have entered into a kind of friendship and general liking of each other that is past the namby pamby "I want to get married and I want a white picket fence" mentality.
I am trying to re-analyze my views on all of this as I have the mental and emotional strength to. Its surprisingly taxing to live with myself. This sentence I somewhat handed myself so I will take and carry the share of the responsibility I am due.
God i really need you now I don't want to go to sleep in despair or look to the future in despair and frustration with these people.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Poverty vs. Wealth
I have a problem with anyone being monetarily rich WHILE poverty remains. We must all be globally sufficient and secure or continue to fight poverty with our individually accumulated wealth. I don't take joy in the fact that I am giving all of my money away. I do take joy in the fact that I am part of a process to make all of us wealthy and global poverty a term in history books of generations past. The only reservation to this activity is the possibility of creating monetary idols for those that are secured and ransomed from poverty that is why the Gospel of Christ must be present so that those looking for life in the midst of their weak or strong economic state may find it.
I know that sounded somewhat Ronald Siderish but I think it is an essential mentality for a Christian seeking to be about the things of God to seek to rid the world of poverty and meet all available needs.
I know that sounded somewhat Ronald Siderish but I think it is an essential mentality for a Christian seeking to be about the things of God to seek to rid the world of poverty and meet all available needs.
Democracy in Black-Face - The End or Just the Beginning?
I have tears slowly forming in my eyes as I start to write this, for today is a truly a landmark in terms of American humanity.
To begin I must set the stage for us in terms of where we were, and as well as where we are now. As most of you know politics and race have always been a rather polarizing and at best a mere charged issue. More realistically it has been an issue written in history books with blood and violence. A kind of fierce aggression that is unique in nature as being simultaneously passive-aggressive and openly confrontational.
Moments of the Past...
The Civil War; The Jim Crow laws; Harriet Tubman; Rosa Parks; General Colin Powell; The Emancipation Proclamation; Malcom X; Martin Luther King Jr.; The Civil Rights Act of 1964 (the right to vote and banned discrimination in public facilities); Voting Rights Act of 1965 (sent federal commisioners to South to register blacks and demanded for the government to suspend literacy tests); Thurgood Marshall (first supreme court justice in 1967);
and more... (http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_22_100/ai_80162969)
The above are just a smattering of moments in history where race and politics collided. What kinds of emotions are evoked when you read the different phrases, names or issues. Many times these encounters were violent and caused great national unrest. Many times these two factors threaten to invalidate the sovereignty of the US such as the seceding of southern states in the Civil War. These past historical events are integral in understanding the importance and powerful precipitous that American dangles from now.
Present political race relations...
Tonight for the first time in history a Black American, Barack Obama, has clinched the first ever nomination for president of a major political party as a Black American. In an astounding and unexpected triumph by even the most optimistic of his supporters Senator Obama surpassed the 2118 delegat mark need to secure the democratic nomination for president and left his white competitor without the possibility of doing the same.
Not only is this a great social triumph for the black community but it is an even greater political victory for race relations in America. This man has proved at least one thing for minorities. He has proved that progress is being made and has been made. In 1964 when President Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act that made it possible for blacks to vote, I doubt very many people ever thought of their new ability or rights to afford them one day to not only vote but vote for a black man. A black man that is skilled in public policy, a black man that is not native to America by birthright, A black man that doesn't resent the white man but applauds him (John McCain). The events of tonight don't carry the message that blacks can be president of the US, while many optimists and pundits will say that on TV, I'm sorry but we aren't there yet. Tonight does definitively guarantee an African American individual that he or she can no longer be viewed as an anomaly in politics. The most compelling statement that I believe epitomizes that was mentioned by a CNN contributor tonight. "This is the final nail in the coffin of the 'separate but equal' of the Jim Crow Laws". Meaning that the Jim Crow laws politically were a mockery to assuage the concerns of black Americans who justifiably felt discriminated against. They segregated blacks and whites and then gave the blacks the status of "equal" with whites (how cold and disingenuous), which history accounts was never really accurate.
Now it is shown by Obama's nomination that blacks can compete with whites for the highest public office in the land and are truly equal in competition and their race does not separate them. Its amazing that American finally has further humanized the black American in American politics. It appears that we are starting to take the black-face off of American democracy. Democracy is beginning to be defined in practice as it claims to be by ideological definition.
Not Yet!?
While many are celebrating and enjoying this time in American history, especially Black democrats, it appears to me this period of celebration may come to a quick and sombering end. For the first time in history a powerful, older, Republican white man will face-off with a young, energetic and optimistic Democratic black man. My thought in this is that between now and November we may experience the most racially charged political atmosphere in American history. Ironically all of this progress as legitimate as it may be will certainly be tested in these next 5 months as to how committed and unbiased the American people are with regards to equality and humanity.
I think its ironic that all of this occurs during the week of the 10th anniversary of the dragging death of James Byrd Jr. in Jasper TX by three white supremacists not much more than 100 miles from me as I write. Yes, we are reminded of the horrors and gross injustices of the past, but more importantly as Senator Obama testifies to, there is a reality of progress in American race relations as the black-face is peeled off of the face of democracy and thrusts her on stage to perform with greater purity than ever before.
May the things of God such as Justice, love for ALL mankind, worth and value of God's creation, and Hope for the Oppressed and Impoverished be illuminated. May we be invested in these things so that God may be Glorified and His people thoroughly satisfied in a faith that doesn't just look churchy or religious but life giving, and takes the life of Christ and his people seriously.
To begin I must set the stage for us in terms of where we were, and as well as where we are now. As most of you know politics and race have always been a rather polarizing and at best a mere charged issue. More realistically it has been an issue written in history books with blood and violence. A kind of fierce aggression that is unique in nature as being simultaneously passive-aggressive and openly confrontational.
Moments of the Past...
The Civil War; The Jim Crow laws; Harriet Tubman; Rosa Parks; General Colin Powell; The Emancipation Proclamation; Malcom X; Martin Luther King Jr.; The Civil Rights Act of 1964 (the right to vote and banned discrimination in public facilities); Voting Rights Act of 1965 (sent federal commisioners to South to register blacks and demanded for the government to suspend literacy tests); Thurgood Marshall (first supreme court justice in 1967);
and more... (http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_22_100/ai_80162969)
The above are just a smattering of moments in history where race and politics collided. What kinds of emotions are evoked when you read the different phrases, names or issues. Many times these encounters were violent and caused great national unrest. Many times these two factors threaten to invalidate the sovereignty of the US such as the seceding of southern states in the Civil War. These past historical events are integral in understanding the importance and powerful precipitous that American dangles from now.
Present political race relations...
Tonight for the first time in history a Black American, Barack Obama, has clinched the first ever nomination for president of a major political party as a Black American. In an astounding and unexpected triumph by even the most optimistic of his supporters Senator Obama surpassed the 2118 delegat mark need to secure the democratic nomination for president and left his white competitor without the possibility of doing the same.
Not only is this a great social triumph for the black community but it is an even greater political victory for race relations in America. This man has proved at least one thing for minorities. He has proved that progress is being made and has been made. In 1964 when President Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act that made it possible for blacks to vote, I doubt very many people ever thought of their new ability or rights to afford them one day to not only vote but vote for a black man. A black man that is skilled in public policy, a black man that is not native to America by birthright, A black man that doesn't resent the white man but applauds him (John McCain). The events of tonight don't carry the message that blacks can be president of the US, while many optimists and pundits will say that on TV, I'm sorry but we aren't there yet. Tonight does definitively guarantee an African American individual that he or she can no longer be viewed as an anomaly in politics. The most compelling statement that I believe epitomizes that was mentioned by a CNN contributor tonight. "This is the final nail in the coffin of the 'separate but equal' of the Jim Crow Laws". Meaning that the Jim Crow laws politically were a mockery to assuage the concerns of black Americans who justifiably felt discriminated against. They segregated blacks and whites and then gave the blacks the status of "equal" with whites (how cold and disingenuous), which history accounts was never really accurate.
Now it is shown by Obama's nomination that blacks can compete with whites for the highest public office in the land and are truly equal in competition and their race does not separate them. Its amazing that American finally has further humanized the black American in American politics. It appears that we are starting to take the black-face off of American democracy. Democracy is beginning to be defined in practice as it claims to be by ideological definition.
Not Yet!?
While many are celebrating and enjoying this time in American history, especially Black democrats, it appears to me this period of celebration may come to a quick and sombering end. For the first time in history a powerful, older, Republican white man will face-off with a young, energetic and optimistic Democratic black man. My thought in this is that between now and November we may experience the most racially charged political atmosphere in American history. Ironically all of this progress as legitimate as it may be will certainly be tested in these next 5 months as to how committed and unbiased the American people are with regards to equality and humanity.
I think its ironic that all of this occurs during the week of the 10th anniversary of the dragging death of James Byrd Jr. in Jasper TX by three white supremacists not much more than 100 miles from me as I write. Yes, we are reminded of the horrors and gross injustices of the past, but more importantly as Senator Obama testifies to, there is a reality of progress in American race relations as the black-face is peeled off of the face of democracy and thrusts her on stage to perform with greater purity than ever before.
May the things of God such as Justice, love for ALL mankind, worth and value of God's creation, and Hope for the Oppressed and Impoverished be illuminated. May we be invested in these things so that God may be Glorified and His people thoroughly satisfied in a faith that doesn't just look churchy or religious but life giving, and takes the life of Christ and his people seriously.
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