Fun night I guess...
Of course I am the oldest by a couple of years hanging out with basically a bunch of members of one local church most college students, some high school.
The church kind resembled a cult to me tonight. It was a nice cult though. "here , this is what we do and this is what we don't do- oh and by the way God loves you and so do we"
If Christianity is a cult it sure is nice and teaches hospitality, maybe not tolerance but definitely surface level hospitality.
We popped lots of fireworks tonight, We shot some skeet. I did the best at shooting I might add of all participating (11 out of 12 I hit) all with my new gun - I love it!
I began to realize how much I have grown this past year or so by observing the young people and how different I am from them tonight. Through my perspective on life, on relationships and honestly most of all God's kingdom I have developed and progressed. Kate is wiser than she sees and has been a huge part of that.
I began to look around at the holy huddle I was hanging out with. This church in town is known for kind of being the high and mighty theologically perfect one. Very Calvinistic, very programmed, structured, and involved. In my humble opinion they are very focused on themselves and their membership within rather than the rest of the community which I guess is okay because they seem to really seek authentic community sadly its just amongst themselves - act almost leery of outsiders which is a whole nother sermon.
I found myself tonight looking at all of these cool young Christians and thinking to myself "I may not look the holiest in the room but much to popular opinion and what many well meaning churches preach I care much less about presenting myself as holy in social groups, church functions or Sunday service and communicating that I hold beliefs that are "true" and "right" than I am concerned with actually being internally holy. It was kind of a cool quiet God moment I had that obviously I couldn't share.
I really want to have holy pure friendships. I really want to be a life-giving breath of fresh air for someone else if the Spirit will choose to use me like that. I just want to be simply authentic. I want to be small and very big. I want to be the contradiction that cancels me out and puts Jesus front and center, even if I feel like at times-even now that Jesus doesn't like me very much and abandons me.
Theres just something that makes me love Jesus, sometimes in fickle spurts, maybe its the head knowledge that I know he is good and that he has demonstrated that in the past.
Another way to say this is that If my life stinks and I cant figure myself or my circumstances out I at least want to help work things out for someone else around me in hopes that they don't have to experience what I'm experiencing. Kinda sounds like I would make a good dad or a shepherd. Thats scary.
Sometimes I hate that I'm this selfless and get frustrated at others success. But motivating others and helping them find hope and life in Christ in their bleak moments is better than me not doing anything, wallering in my circumstance, and neither one of use finding any hope or success.
I like that Kate and I have such an open dialogue. I was really worried she would shut me out or that it may hurt to much for me to have that dialogue open on my end. God has been really merciful and I see unexpected joy often when we talk or text message. Thank You God. I know you are real and I know you are here, would you keep helping me and Kate with that? Thanks, I am taking your silence as a yes.
I look forward to the days when Kate and I can read and discuss books together or talk about our travels and education experiences.
I know when we first met we didn't really think as much alike as I thought we did. I guess that became evident in our relationship. I don't know if she just influenced me or I just influenced her, probably a combination of the two. Anyway I think we think at least somewhat similarly now and I like it. Its neat and something we share, almost as if God is winking at our history with a big grin on his face.
God I know I haven't figured out much still in my life, or you haven't shown or defined much yet and what I'm doing but thanks for not heaping anymore chaos and confusion on my plate for this last week or so and giving me some peace in the middle of this weird limbo season.
Its nice going to bed choosing this night to believe things are going to be okay.
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