Necessary Authentic Forgiveness

I have been really fighting back these alternating emotions of somewhat missing Kate and being really anger and bitter with her decisions. Particularly with what I found out a couple of days ago seemed to be the final thing that destroyed her creditability and lent itself for me to have more of a reason to be angry, bitter, and cold toward her.

Such behavior on my part can't go on and is not acceptable. I wasn't mad until I found out the info I did a couple of days ago but that victory has come up short when I got so angry and was filled with bitterness.

I know her well enough to know how she is handling this what she is doing and with who. There is no reason for me to go on being mad or cold or angry. I shouldn't dwell on this either and meditate on the trust issues this presents between me and those involved in my personal life or a potential spouse. Thinking about or trying to get all of this behind me right now is not the most healthy thing to wade into.

So I'm just going to work on a couple of things right now. First, I don't want to love a dead relationship for a year and waste this next 12 months mourning a desire that can not be satisfied. So the first thing I am doing is accepting the way things are and almost certainly the way things will always be for Kate and I. We are two people who don't see God or people or life the same and it appears to be the best for her to go on with her dreams and I to re-piece together mine.

The second thing is to Forgive Her not out of a sense of obligation or as a skillfully played noble move but because there has to be good in her somewhere. I have seen good in her and she must be amazing for someone that meets her needs to her satisfaction. I forgive her. I forgive her for hurting me by using my failures of my behavior in the past to her personal gain and advantage in our relationship. I forgive her for being so inconsistent throughout our relationship by writing beautiful letters one day to being cold and distant and moody the next. I myself behaved in a similar way on occasion. We are humans and fail. Not only do I want to forgive her for what she did but I want to apologize for getting mad and becoming cold and bitter that is not the least bit healthy for her or myself.

These are the steps I'm taking right now to let things settle and finally be laid to rest peacefully between us. It is sad at times and I don't know how I feel at others. I just pray this roller coaster slowly begins to make more sense. I again Apologize to you and Forgive you Kate.