I'm a stubborn guy and from the previous posts you can tell I still care about Kate much to many people's dislike. I do care about her and I am trying more so every moment to put her farther behind me. To love her from a distance that will likely never shorten but only grow.
The gravity of her choice, her "meltdown", keeps hitting me hard. She says she is doing this for her mental health and that I am being selfish and a jerk by inquiring into this. Well hello that's what happens when you are in a relationship for 11 months. You care and don't turn it off like a faucet.
If she is having such a hard time why doesn't she allow me to support her, offer emotional care a listening ear etc... Rather than even acknowledge my concern she isolates me. Says " I'm not obligated to you" after I commented about you don't treat people this way that care about you. I gave my final plea tonight to try and make sense of this.
Sound familiar? Yep its the little selfish girl syndrome Brittani version 2. "I can't handle this so rather than voicing my concern like a mature person I am simply going to cut all strings, make it extremely dramatic with making it a matter of my mental health (can you believe she had the nerve to call ME dramatic tonight?) and then go off and have fun with my friends. Isn't that what Brittani did? Go and recoup with her friends? I kinda wished I would have been more apathetic to Kate. More like the attitude of "Well whatever happens happens" instead of the attitude I held of her being so dear and such a fine catch. It would be different if she warned me hey I'm really struggling, I need some help, I feel like I'm going to break etc... She sells me this story that she had a breakdown during her party weekend and saw the light of the choice she should have always made. Can't you just hear the Orchestra playing in the background?
I told her tonight that I have really cared about it but her wanting me to just sit here making conversation with all of these questions for a month while she gallivants off with her friends all over the place is unfair and mean at best.
If she is self-seeking enough to treat me like I am an expendable item and I only have value when she wants me to she doesn't deserve me, I am not her play toy or her handy man. I am all or nothing.
Two things:
This takes a big black marker and scribbles through every I love you she ever said to me and every evidence of wanting me to support her and love her because now she has rejected my support and more so show evidence that she is not someone safe to be in a relationship with because she is "not obligated" and refuses "commitment". She needs some emo guy with an enduring prescription of prozac.
The other thing is that she doesn't now take responsibility for being so selfish. Shes accountable for her actions and I know she thinks that this will all blow over and I will turn around and come after her. Well, let Amor Fati be because you have bought your own fate by how you responded to your stressful situation. I am not a lifeboat for a sinking ship. Yes sinking is a choice too. Life is a choice and you choose to LIVE alone without a guy that cares about you. In the words of my dad two nights ago "the heck with her, you go on about your business."
I'm not cold, I'm not bitter. I just have a very clear perspective finally on who I am as a child of God and my worth and how Kate and I are veering on very different paths. I hope she gets clarity to. Step out in the light of freedom. I still care about her but know after tonight that sadly as I feared in the previous post need to start putting that to death.
Kate once asked me if we broke up how long would I still have feelings for her, I said a year tops. I am hoping to narrow that down to a month to 3 months. I need to move on. I'm still young. I want to have a beautiful story and I want to be the kind of man that kids and my spouse are proud of. It starts now by putting horrors and pain behind me learning and developing my person (going back to school) working with different ministries and getting into things that God has made evident he is into (God is on the Move) and enjoy the company of the people along the way that are doing the same.
Goodbye Kate, You are now on the shelf of memories with Brittani in my heart and will slowly seep into my bloodstream less and less as time goes on. Thank You God that Brittani has completely deteriorated.
I hope something changes fast. I pray desperately that I am missing something and Kate has some true explanation for her behavior, but I fear its a sign that and future relationship possibility is terminal and at best on a short leash. I wish I would have never seen this side of Kate and that we could have parted ways on better terms. I will have to guard my self in being logical about this and fight back the tendency to be bitter or degrading.
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