The Sting of the Impossible

This is extremely hard to explain. I apologize in advance for my vague rambling here. This is related to a previous post criticizing my critics.

No one can possibly begin to understand what happened, what was going through my mind, what my motivations were, and how I felt a little over a month ago. The people that may have the closest idea to what this was like other than myself would probably be my Mom and Dad because I was in closest contact with them of all people at the time. Clearly next would be Kate. All of this is very relative in terms of understanding because I don't understand all of what I was thinking myself and it at times was very conflicting specifically internally.

This is where and why everything revolving around people on the outside gets very frustrating and depressing. People such as Kate's family or Kate's friends or my Uncle all have very limited knowledge and understanding of the situation because their sources - Myself, My family, or Kate have limited understanding of the situation. The most frustrating thing is to try and communicate myself, emotions feelings, motives, interpretations, environmental responses and factors during this time of meltdown and destruction. It truly is impossible to put myself inside someone else and them understand and think they humanly have a chance to know in full.

Now specifically it is frustrating, maddening, and causes a sting of despair when someone looks at the externals of the situation, comments on them, has limited knowledge at best of the situation or of me. I understand that it is certainly easier to write someone off as a psycho, abuser, jerk, (insert your own negative characterization of me) than to put forth great effort to try and understand someone else and make sense of a situation I frankly don't understand but in part so how can anyone else claim to classify or diagnose me?

I really just feel two emotions now when I hear someone negatively characterize me or refer to me negatively based on their info from someone, most commonly Kate, regarding the past series of events. Emotion 1 is anger and frustration with that individual who has no right to make a judgement on my character for nearly 24 years of existence. Emotion 2 is utter despair that everything that is or could possibly be redemptive is lost under the weight of my bad decisions/circumstantial issues surrounding truly the lowest point in my entire life and makes every waking moment in this state extremely performance based. It is with this emotion that I never want to speak to these people who have rendered judgement and at the most extreme moments I want to silently leave the entire situation and relationship behind, move to another area where no one knows about any of this and start over.

These are things that constantly replay in my head. I really do want and believe in complete and full redemption. I am just aware that forgiveness and redemption in these situations - true healing or moving past this is not contingent upon me. It would be nice for me to be hyper-macho and claim that if I do and say all of the right things everything will get better and we will skip off into the sunset. I am not that naive. I realize that many of these people may or may not forgive me. This scares me because I know myself. If they don't forgive me or give me some freedom I will get defensive further reinforcing their belief plus my defensiveness or anger if it goes that far will end Kate and I, for she can't handle my emotional reaction.

So here are my options as I see them. 1)Hope people will begin to forgive me as I interact with them that have these opinions of me and try to give them reason to forgive me. 2) Defend myself and put these people in their place (not the best option) 3) Cut these people strategically out of my life and therefore out of Kate and I's potential relationship by allowing them to think what they want and not entertain their judgment. 4) Cut and run from these people, this relationship, and start over anonymously somewhere else.

The thing is no one really has any right to make a judgment of who I am and who I am, only I best understand that and have to live with that reality. This all being said I am extremely thankful for Kate's support of me and her defense of her actions. It is empowering to think of someone that admittedly doesn't understand every bit of what happened but believes in redemption and hope enough to still be in the picture. She is empowering to me and I will enjoy every minute of our time together. I am not worried about us as a couple I think we have transcended that and have entered into a kind of friendship and general liking of each other that is past the namby pamby "I want to get married and I want a white picket fence" mentality.

I am trying to re-analyze my views on all of this as I have the mental and emotional strength to. Its surprisingly taxing to live with myself. This sentence I somewhat handed myself so I will take and carry the share of the responsibility I am due.

God i really need you now I don't want to go to sleep in despair or look to the future in despair and frustration with these people.