Confronting the Self

As I spent the day today reflecting on what little I know of that Kate is experiencing right now and our past relationship, lots of things began to stick. Things began to continue to pop up that offered a hint of understanding. Many times it was just words like "burn out" or "sinking" or "freedom". I learned a lot today about me and confronted the deepest parts of who I am at my core and realized that I am not a terrible or rotten guy and I do sincerely and selflessly care about Kate. Its not the fair weather love that is really selfishness and lust cloaked in flowery language. I empathize with her pain of this being hard because it is for me and has been before. I want to understand more.

I say most of my day was spent reflecting, that's only half right -a lot of it was spent with friends in town over the summer. One of these guys asked about my relationship status and I began to vaguely explain things that had happened in very generic terms and confessing that I don't understand it all myself. Something very strange came up as I began to explain the emotion and feelings on my end of all of this. (I wouldn't dare to try and explain Kate's feelings because that's speaking out of turn of me especially to someone else). The feeling that I didn't realize I was feeling was guilt. Throughout the day I had began to feel freedom and no not freedom in the sense like "great I'm done with Kate and can move on" - no not that at all but a feeling of this is all bigger than me and my choices. It involves Kate's choices and the circumstances that God himself is supreme over. That for the first time today was not scary but very freeing and I briefly mentioned that to Kate. Yet this feeling of guilt as present. I began to explain that I feel so guilty and a little fearful that maybe I made Kate empty, maybe I did something to suck the life out of her and our relationship. That is an absolutely sickening feeling to me that I could depress or overwhelm someone. Kate if you are reading this and I did do something or a series of things to cause this I am so incredibly sorry. I understand this may just be circumstantial and that's OK and understandable but whatever part I played I am sorry. My intentions were just the opposite and I constantly have asked my self earlier tonight how I could have changed things to be more life-giving. I'm sure I could have been more disciplined in the things I shared and more specifically the timing of sharing to not flare unnecessary concern or emotion by either of us.

Today was specifically sad as I was at wal-mart with Josh getting items to take on his Africa trip and I saw the new Cold Play CD "Viva La Vida" I was looking forward to buying that for Kate, putting it under her windshield wiper blade with a sweet note for when she would come out to her car to go to work and start her day off with a sweet surprise. I kinda teared up and had to recollect myself. I also thought about my big surprise that I was going to have delivered to Talitha Koum before Kate left. A big Bouquet of flowers in a nice vase and on the card it would just simply say "Chosen". I also had planned on getting Kate the entire Friends Boxed set when I finally did get a "real" job. These are all things earmarked for my first paycheck.

I really hoped that Kate would get to see how devoted I was to her and that my overwhelmed behavior was not because of her but just because of these circumstances and the displacement in life. Regardless whether or not Kate speaks to me again or explains anything I just want her to clearly understand that she is not defective or a hazard to me but a someone who still is precious and dear to me. Seasons will change and I will be able to support myself and her - emotionally, physically and financially. God has breathed a lot of hope into me today. I have been really raw and vulnerable and the discomfort has been very worth it.

I still remember Kate and I's conversation on the bleachers of the gym at Carson Newman. I wanted to date her so bad. I wanted to champion her like a real man and prove myself. That desire is unmistakably still there, I hope it doesn't fade. As of now Kate is not safe, she has to figure things out and I am forced to move on. I hope I don't have to kill that desire to date her and love her. I hope at one point I can discuss and maybe act on it again. But that's where freedom lies -that God is going to sort this very complicated and sticky thing out because he is not cruel and hurtful but gracious and acquainted with our sorrow.

Godspeed Kate