Disciplines

I can't go back. Turning around and running from everything is not even an option. There is too much beauty before me. Yet there is pain and darkness ahead as well. I have made my own bed. My choices created this stress that I wish to avert. Yes I am ashamed at what I did but more so who I was - that I could even be that person. I don't buy the crap that it was a concoction of brain chemicals or the lack there of. It was evil, it was malicious and an act of treason against love.

I can only hope for restoration and progress. To truly learn myself better. To right whatever is wrong with in me. To deal with the terrible motivation that caused that type of action. Yes medication or therapy may be a good start but there has to be more.

At the same time I know that I am not an evil person but a child of God who is being remade further in his likeness with each moment that passes.

What am I to conclude from this? That I am a loose cannon and can be Jekyll one day and Hyde the next? Or that I am just a monster and hide behind a facade of being a "child of god".

If you ask anyone who has followed me for years they would probably tell you the above assumptions are not accurate.

Lets step past the behavior. Lets dig deeper than anger or hurt. Move pass the depressive symptoms and towards daily habit. I think this all begins to travel toward Not just being of Christ but being disciplined in following Him and His teachings. Its Spiritual Discipline 101 and its humiliating. Not that I have ever been some Spiritual discipline guru but I know better than this. My actions are a direct result of disobedience, of selfishness. Yes, I believe Depression can be induced by this or depression can foster an environment where it makes being undisciplined more desirable but none of that is valid justification. I got lazy following this one I claimed to love and everything fell apart. Identically like I got lazy caring for this girl i claimed to love and destroyed everything.

Not just spiritual disciplines but personal and self disciplines. Listen to people. Be humble. Be teachable. Do not be angry to attempt to fix things (anger never fixes things). Be realistic. Be honest.

I now must rebuild. Gather all of the baby blocks, and gentle place them together. Submitting myself daily before God for strength and endurance for a necessary grace to survive. Then with that make choices that day to better my mess; to heal and clean the wounds before they become infected. I inflicted these and in a sick way it is my joy to care for these pains and wounds I have caused. It is my first act of self discipline that is derived from the spiritual discipline of following Christ.


I am preparing for pain from those that have experienced my undisciplined self and praying for a severe mercy and a chance to find grace to be thankful for.

God I have wondered from the path, guide me back. May I be covered with the your dust rabbi. For my joy and others.